Being pregnant seems to make you the centre of attention in many ways. Here’s 6 people you are likely to encounter on your pregnancy journey.
1. The Groping Granny
There you are, minding your own business in the supermarket, wondering whether double-chocolate caramel Yop counts as a heartburn remedy when suddenly out of nowhere an old lady will appear and grab your bump. This behavior is usually accompanied by coo’s of “how far you are along dear?” “are you sure it isn’t twins?”, “you’d better hope your waters don’t break here!” etc. It’s best to smile and nod politely, then run (amble) away to the freezer section where it’s too cold for them to follow you.
2. The Harassed Midwife
It’s entirely possible that you are the 17th patient that day to have forgotten their little pot of wee due to babybrain, the 5th to ask them if that brown line down your belly is normal, the 21st with slightly swollen ankles and the 342nd to burst in to tears and ask for a sweep because you’re enormous and knackered and you’re only 35 weeks along and can’t take anymore! So if your midwife seems harassed, it’s entirely possible it’s because she’s had her fill of pregnant women in wasp-up-nostril-warthog-mode for the day. Cross your fingers for better luck next time. And maybe try for an earlier appointment.
3. The pregnancy-phobic friend
This is the person who you haven’t seen for ages who you want to catch up with before you pop. You will notice their eyes widen slightly with horror as your bump precedes you and you waddle towards them. Have fun making them go green as you regale them with your pregnancy horror stories. The best bit is the look on their face when you grab their hand so they can feel baby moving (a fizzy drink will get baby cooperating with this dastardly plan to freak them out)
4. The know-it-all relative
This one will probably be childless, yet will seem to know everything and anything you can imagine about pregnancy and childbirth and rearing well adjusted children. Prepare to listen to them drone on for several hours about how smacking never did them any harm and how you should leave your baby to cry themselves to sleep every night or you’ll never get them to leave home. You may be tempted to initiate warthog-with-wasp-up-nostril mode, but take deep breaths. You may have to see this person once the hormones have worn off.
5. The Horror Birther
If you have an inkling you’ve just met this one, then run. Well, pick up your pace a little bit at least. This one’s eyes will light up the moment they see you, and they will raise a knowing eyebrow before launching into the tale of the Worst Birth Experience Known To Woman. There will be blood. There will be tears. There may be babies flying out all over the shop, with no medics in sight. Usually it will be a horror story that happened to take place in the hospital you want to give birth in. It’s actually not too rude to stick your fingers in your ears and say LA LA LA LA LA very loudly. In fact, that’s exactly what I’d recommend.
6. The Over Interested Colleague
Previously, you may have only ever made small talk over the water cooler. Suddenly she wants to be your best mate. Menu suggestions, asking how you’re sleeping, probing questions about mucous and peritoneal massage. Once you’ve figured out exactly what sort of massage that is, you may want to ask to move desks.
Haha I have come across all these in my pregnancy! Great post! #MarvMondays
Oh yes, I definitely met all of these while pregnant! Fab post. #MarvMondays
Oh my I’m pleased I didn’t come across any of those except maybe the midwives. #MarvMondays
I was lucky enough to not have a huge bump, plus I’m a big woman so it wasn’t so obvious I was pregnant. The gropers stayed away. There were plenty of Horror Birthers, trying to scare me though! #chucklemums
I was lucky to avoid the harassed midwife (mine was lovely), but the other people are all too familiar. I’m afraid I’ve turned into the horror birther, but I’m mostly inflicting my stories on my childless friends.
“Labour is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I thought I was going to DIE,” I’ll tell them. Really helpful to people who might want to have a baby one day, I know. #chucklemums
Yes I believe dealing with these people whilst pregnant is probably some kind of patience test.
#chucklemums #triballove
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BRILLIANT! I have come across all of these! The know it all probably being my worst type closely followed by the harassed midwife! #chucklemums
Thankfully I’ve not met any of these although I did stress my MW out when she realised I forgot to give in one of my forms when I had my bloods done – meaning she had to send me off to have another set taken haha!! x
I am sometimes numbers 3 and 5. I regale my stories on to my single, childless friends and enjoy watching them squirm a little bit. How cruel of me! #chucklemums
I was teaching when pregnant, so I had the ‘gobsmacked teenager’. Was kinda sweet getting a little tummy rub by a lovely student each morning. She was just blown away. #chucklemums
Oh the know all relative!!! What an absolute pain that one is!!! As you say though you can’t even just flip out because these are the one’s you’re going to have to deal with long term..they’ll still be giving out ‘handy’ advice when the babies are teens!! #chucklemums
I always liked the pregnancy phobic stranger (usually a man) who felt desperately uncomfortable when you sat next him on a train. They look at you as though a. you’re in danger of giving birth immediately or b. you’re going to accuse them of being the father even though you’v never met. #chucklemums
Ahaha this is genius. I met a few of these during my pregnancy too, especially the ‘are you having twins?’ arseholes. I don’t understand why people decide it’s ok to be insanely rude to pregnant women! And those know it alls; ‘bit of the old gripe water will sort that out’… Yeah, don’t think we are allowed to give babies alcohol these days. #chucklemums
I “enjoyed” all of these, especially the colleague who took it upon herself to describe crowning, in brutal detail. You had such a lovely bump though, I’d have gone in for an unsolicited grope fo sho and I’m not even a granny! #chucklemums
Oh yes these are all familiar. My first midwife looked at her clock unsubtlely after about 3 minutes. Ha, I’m quite sure it had been a long day! I had my first unsolicitated grope the other day…quite the surprise. #chucklemuns
Oh yes, all of these ring pretty true – very insightful! I had the Groping Granny in a work colleague. She was incredible – I actually stood there speechless as she felt me ‘all around’. She sat next to me, too, so used to cop a feel when I was on the phone to clients. Awful. #chucklemums
I definitely came across all of these! I loved the horror birth ones though. I needed to know ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING about everyone’s births, and went around positively inviting people to tell me their horror stories in the name of “preparation.” #chucklemums
Ha! Yep, I’ve come across all of those. And I used to be number 3…my sister had babies before and she used to loooove freaking me out by making me feel the weird little aliens in her tummy, grossed me right out! #Chucklemums
Ha HA!! I’ve been known to grope a few bumps in my time – but I always ask first! In fact I think I came across all these types but might have even been them all at some point too! (except the harassed midwife..) #chucklemums
I remained completely ungroped during my wife’s pregnancy fortunately. But can definitely recall the rest. And then the random questions from strangers after birth ‘so are you breastfeeding?’ – surprisingly mystery pensioner it’s none of your business!! #chucklemums
Ha ha, apart from the granny groping (although have been grey-bashed when my kids were noisy toddlers) I know the others well. I’m glad I didn’t get touched up by any old dears because I would have flipped out. My fave was Horror Birther – a gory birth story much as you described, involving a projectile birth in the hospital carpark with no midwives to hand (apart from all the overworked ones inside), why the husband didn’t just drop her at A&E ambulance stylee I don’t know? #chucklemums
You’re so right on all of these! I’ve experienced every single one on both pregnancies. There’s loads of horror birther women floating about. When I was very visibly pregnant at work I used to get at least one of those and one of the grannies a day!
#chucklemums
Yes- definitely met a few on this list, the over interested colleague did freak me out, I wasn’t prepared for the detailed questioning! #marvmondays
Haha brilliant – I came across most of these in my pregnancy! Particularly a school friend who told me her horror story birth when I was about to pop, and I came away completely daunted. I should’ve run away!! Thanks for hosting #chucklemums x
I love this, they are all very familiar! When the over-interested colleague is male it somehow feels even more uncomfortable…!
#chucklemums
Fortunately I didn’t come up against the harassed midwife I did however come across, couldn’t give a shit midwife, she was a pleasure. Oh and plenty of know it alls! #marvmondays xx
I can definitely say I met a few of these when I was pregnant! The harrassed midwife I probably met in both of my pregnancies, and i probably had the reverse of the over interested colleague – mine either werent interested or made comments on how big I was which wasnt very helpful when you feel massive! Great post, thanks for sharing it on #MarvMondays. Emily
You know, the best bit is when that childless relative or friend (or their OH, if male) falls pregnant. You smile sweetly and say nothing…!
I’ve met every single one of them
Love this as an ex midwife and retired Neonatal Nurse I used to regularly meet the Horror brother from the other side of the coin! If women found Iout I was a midwife they would regale me with stories of either a blow by blow account of their Labour, their horror birth or bitch of a midwife!
Of course, I also want to meet all of these while pregnant! Fab post.