*warning might contain swearing*
No, not that sort of unfit. I’m not the best but I’m not that bad. I mean the huffing and puffing red face sort of unfit. The getting a bit podgy and too fond of my sofa arse-groove unfit.
I did a gym class today. Here’s my inner monologue.
“Ok here we are, made it to the class not bad going, not bad.
Right what’s this one about then. Oh, mats, OK there are mats being dealt out. Oh, and weights, OK this might be fun. Everyone is putting them to one side. OK, these are mine. I’ll put my water bottle on mine, OK OK.
Oh I like this song. Man that instructor is skinny. I wish I had a bottom like two eggs in a sock.
Shit, shit SHIT this is aerobics! They didn’t say aerobics, it said “Total Body Conditioning” on the website. Bugger, I hope I don’t kick a granny in the foof again.
Right, grape. Grape. GRAPEVINE. Yes I can do this. Kick yes that’s OK. I’m doing it! Yes! Wait shit what’s that one? Bugger why does everyone else know what they are doing.
God I’m getting a bit hot now. What’s that on my top? Shit! That’s shit! A bollocking bird has crapped on me and I’m doing fricking aerobics! How did I not notice before? Bloody birds!!! Better buy a lottery ticket.
I’d like to win the lottery I’d just get lipo…oh crap, was that her foot??
Oh god I hate this. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do aerobics , I am less coordinated than a three legged giraffe on LSD. What is a shuffle? What is a box step? Why am I completely out of sync with everyone? Why do I do this to myself…
Mat time, thank god, surely we sit down now.
Oh no, squats first. Great. With weights. What on earth is she doing with the weights? I’m not doing that it looks filthy! Dirty cow I bet she’s doing that on purpose and laughing at all us porkers looking like we’re over-excited to see the dumbells.
Yes! Laying down time. Is she watching? No good. I’ll skive for a bit. What shall we have for dinner. No, haven’t got that. Nope. Right baked potatoes it is then.
Everyone is getting up. I hope we aren’t doing any more…oh crap. Now it’s YOGA. Great. I’m about as flexible as Big Ben. Nope, not going to bend to there. Or there…oh my god, why are there so many mirrors in here? My face looks like a baboons arse. Why am I doing this. I’ll only end up buying one of those Giant American Calorie-Laden Cookies on the way out. I bet they only sell them here to make people keep coming back. Sadists.
Hurrah! It’s over and I only kicked one person and not in the fanny this time. Improvement. Getting fit is easy!”
Hahahahahahahahaaaaa! Stiiiiiill laughing!!!! X x
I am still aching! Bloody aerobics!!
Ahahaha amazing! I am also entirely uncoordinated AND unfit!! I just don’t even attempt to join these things. I used to do an exercise video that my mum had bought in the 90s, loved the grapevine – mg sister and I drunkenly tried to incorporate it into a dance when we were in a bar once. Oh dear…
Hahah! I bet that was amazing!
Hahaahahahaha this is brilliant. I once made the mistake of going to a body pump because I thought “ooh that sounds fun and not too much work” it was fecking lifting weights, HEAVY weights to music. I could have cried!
Haha! Thanks for the warning I haven’t tried that one yet!! 😀 xx
Lol! I opt for exercising on my own in my lounge with curtains drawn, doors shut and no mirrors and no other people in sight. It works for me…And I can skive as much as I like! #KCACOLS
It’s all about the skiving!!
Ha ha ha ha! I like your thoughts about ‘I’ll skive for a bit.’ Exercising is a minefield. Mother has been ‘going for a run’ for about four months. Haven’t seen any trainers being donned yet 😉 #KCACOLS
Sounds like our house!!
Just read this again and still makes me smile (why is exercising so hard and eating chocolate so easy). x #chucklemums
P.S. Mother eventually got out for her run. This now excuses all intake of wine and cake.
Haha, I went to spin yesterday and was therefore allowed to buy a packet of digestives…I hear them calling me…!
I’m not a fan of classes – I’d much rather go running or swimming by myself!! #KCACOLS
Yes, less embarrassing then!
Oh this is fantastic! Love that little voice going on and on in our heads! Thinking about dinner – brilliant – mind never switches off does it?! #KCACOL
Nope, always chattering away! 😀
hilarious Mumzilla! sounds exactly like me at yoga! xx #KCACOLS
I’m glad I’m not alone!! 🙂
I’m still laughing at ‘ I hope I don’t kick a granny in the foof again’! I’ve not been to the gym in about 5 years, but did used to go to loads of classes, and you’ve given me strange flashbacks with your mentions of grapevines and box steps! x #KCACOLS
It was an accident! I darent go back to that class!!
I laughed A LOT at this! I wouldn’t set foot in a class, even though I probably should, because my inner monologue would go almost exactly like this. #KCACOLS
I removed about 87 instances of extra swearing I must admit…!
Thanks 😀
Haha this is brilliant, such a funny and scarily accurate summary of any aerobics class I attend. Give me blacked out spin room any time! I nearly spat my water out at, ‘my face looks like baboon’s arse’. Great post lovey. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope to see you again next Sunday xx
Least you went. I walk extra fast past the gym, lest they suck me in for something unholy like spinning. Super fast cycling sounds horrific!
I’m impressed you got to the gym…its
More than I’ve done. I’ve got a fitness did still in the wrapper #KCACOLS
It would be exercise just taking the wrapping off! 😀
LOVE this! Looking forward to many more. I am definitely stealing and using the about as flexible as Big Ben line…brilliant! #KCACOLS
😀
Hahaha, this is why my exercise is limited to DVD’s in the privacy of my own home, or running – where you’re gone before anyone can really watch you! #KCACOLS
The only problem with the home ones is the all too inviting sofa!!
Haha such a funny post! This is exactly why I shy away from exercise classes, the worst is when they have the mirrors so you have to clock yourself getting redder and redder!! #KCACOLS
And redder yet! 😀
So this was actually me BEFORE children – I’ve never been back lol! #KCACOLS
Sensible.
This was kind of awesome. I hate cardio (aka aerobics) I make myself do the stair machine and have this type of inner dialogue pretty much everytime! #KCACOLS
Stair machine is evil!!! 🙂
Very funny! I wonder if this actually goes through the minds of the majority of people keep fit groups… #kcacols
That and “pleasefinishpleasefinishpleasefinish”
This is brilliant! I think my inner monologue would be very similar. I was thinking of going back to the gym, not sure now lol.
Don’t do it!! 😀
You had me at grapevine!! Very funny indeed #kcacols
I’m so terrible at grapevine! Thanks for commenting
HAHAHAH – this is epic (I totally hate excercise and you would never see me at aerobics… EVER) I can imagine that should I ever attend such a class that I would be conducting a similar monologue in my head with quite a few more expletives. The kicking someone in the fanny – is that something that happens a lot when you do aerobics?! #KCACOLS
Once….only once. Several near misses tho! 😀
Hahaha this is wonderous. I was laughing the whole way through. : )
Thank you
Thank you 😀
Brilliant! Just brilliant!!
#KCACOLS
Thanks! 😀
Thank you! 😀
Love it! This is why I workout at home (about once a month) where I am safe from judging eyes, except the 5 year old who narrates my every stumble! #KCACOLS
Haha, at home the sofa is just too tempting! x
Hahaha loving this post, This is like me when I do exercise! #KCACOLS
I am impressed you got to a class! They frighten me.. I went to Zumba once and got laughed at by a 72 year old for having no coordination or grace which put me off.. now I stick to you tube videos in the lounge.. just made people uncomfortable by laughing aloud on a train…fab #KCACOLS
Haha! That’s made me very pleased! xx
This is brilliant! I’m still cying with laughter
It really reminded me of when I went to kickboxing and accidentally kicked a lady halfway across the room!
Laura xx
#KCACOLS
I would think you were *meant* to kick people in kickboxing!! 😀
Haha this is totally me during every exercise class. I haven’t kicked anyone but someone did stand on my shoe once as I was lifting my foot and my trainer flew across the other side of the room during zumba. There may of been a hole in my sock too #kcacols
hahaha! It’s fun being a clutz!
Ha ha! I avoid any type of exercise where coordination is required. Especially in a group! You are amazing for just rocking up in the first place (and for the lack of foof kicking ;)) #KCACOLS
It’s exercise in itself just rocking up 😀
Hahahaha this is why I do it at home! The only person that laughs at my then is Mini Me! X
I think you’re spot on. There must be a secret Gym where instructors go to get super fit before coming to “train” us not so fit people! I don’t know how some people do it. #triballove #bloggerclubUK
Yeah, it’s called Sadists Anonymous!! 😀
I could have described that class for you before you went love. I love a good body conditioning class (although to be fair i’m more of a pilates sort of girl now). Your inner monologue made laugh so much i was crying! I particularly love the part where you describe squatting with dumbells as some sort of filth. Brilliant! #triballove
Thanks lovely
This is hilarious! Bonus that you didn’t kick anyone in the foof haha 🙂
Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂
Debbie
Thanks – it’s always a relief!
Brilliant thing to read first thing on a Sunday morning! This is so hilariously funny! Xxx #BloggerClubUK #TribalLove
Thanks lovely – sorry for the late reply, your comment had been eaten by the spam folder! You were sandwiched between cheeky spam saying I should write more and why not steal some articles off google!!
This reminded me of Victoria Wood, who would also have found this funny I am sure. #Chucklemums
Hahaha – fantastic and this is so me! I tend to stick with zumba now. If all else fails you can just just shake stuff. Wobbling is mandatory and there aren’t so many star jumps (star jumps and my pelvic floor are not friends).
Love the idea of laying down for a good skive. I would try this, but by the laying down part I’m generally gasping for breath and struggling to maintain consciousness. 😉
Thanks for hosting! I’m thrilled to join you! #chucklemums.
It’s lovely having you! 🙂
I Zumba at times and this is me every time! Our class is crazy fast and I always stand on somebody! Ha ha ha!
I’m so uncoordinated!!
Ha this is so funny and something I can totally relate to too!!! You’ve basically provided a blow by blow account of what I look like when I attempt to tackle Davina McCalls fitness DVD!!! #chucklemums
I love Davina, but those squats are killer!!
Haha, oh my God, I have the Davina DVD too and made the mistake of dusting it off on Saturday and then was crippled and walking like I had issues for the rest of the weekend… still, I’d much rather sweat in my own home that brave a class. I am too much of a wimp for that. #chucklemums
hahaha! love this!! how funny! I hate exercise too… and you in a class sounds exactly like me in a class… hence the reason I don’t go lol – so funny! #chucklemums
I did spin yesterday…nearly cried. Also nearly fell off.
Thank you – it was embarrassing!! 😀
still makes me giggle – back from #chucklemums
Hahaha! Very funny!!! So you’re the one person going left when the rest of the class go right, good for you!!! Pain about the bird crappie…Did you get that lottery ticket?!!
I did not…dammit.
Hehe love this still. Back for #chucklemums.
God, aerobics! I made the mistake of going to an exercise class with my husband which involved a certain level of coordination – I physically couldn’t cope! My inner monologue escaped into full out loud murmering “is that your left, or my left…or left in the mirror?! ARRRGGG!”
Safe to say my husband has never let me live it down.
#chucklemums
I have zero coordination skills. Quite often to be found just making it up at the back!
Hahahaha!!!!! Brilliant. This is so me too! 🙂
I went to kettle bells a few times and once there was a bloke there who was in front of me and he farted as he squatted…pahahahahaha!!! He didn’t stand near me the next week!
#chucklemums
Oh nooo! That’s why I won’t go to proper yoga!
Hahaha! This made me laugh a lot! So nice to know I’m not the only one who isn’t obsessed with spinning and lives in work out gear (I don’t even own a sports bra…and part of my ‘push present’ was a pair of trainers, thanks darling husband…) Brilliant! #ChuckleMums
Gym gear just isn’t flattering!! 😀
Big laugh out loud to only kicking one person and not in the fanny this time!!! I totally feel your pain and love the 3 legged giraffe analogy. I had to give up yoga because the of ‘going upside’ positions which inevitably left me……humiliated!!! Very funny #chucklemums
Hahah, I’m too scared to do proper yoga in case of massive farts!
All of that, what you’ve just described, that’s why I stay indoors and do dvds/youtube videos. No one need know the true extent of my uncoordinatedness and I can try to maintain my pretty low level of cool in front of members of the public. Top tip! 😉
x Alice
#chucklemums
Yeah I really should dust Davina off!
“What’s that on my shirt? It’s shit.” – haha made me proper laugh. I remember going a circuit class once and realised I was totally out of my comfort zone when I was the only woman. Excused myself to go to the loo and never came back.
That’s a great plan! I’m totally doing that next time I accidentally go to something really hard.
Oh my! This is so funny! At the last pilates/yoga class I went to the instructor felt the need to sing along to random lines of whatever song was blasting out. I think she felt all madonna-esque with her microphone strapped to her head. She clearly took it all very seriously but I was in fits of giggles! Not very zen.. #chucklemums
Haha! Our spin woman does that occasionally. Puts us all to shame – she’s 61 and barely breaks a sweat!
Hahaha love it…..’must buy a lottery ticket’ the good luck of a bird shit ting on you I’ve just started exercising with a home dvd (just means lying on the floor watching) not ready to brave an actual real life gym yet. Fab post x
I should do those … Less embarrassing!
Brilliant! An epitome of the great British attribute of being able to laugh at ourselves. Without which, the blogosphere would be a much sadder place, yes?
It’s what we do best me dear! Thanks for reading 🙂
Haha – hilarious! I used to gym all the time before kids, now nothing. I’ve always been crap at aerobics though. More of a working out on my own for everyone’s safety person! #chucklemums
This is why I never go to exercise class’s. Totally felt like this the last time someone convinced me to go to a Zumba class. I now prefer to do workout videos from home I’d say about once every 5 months if I’m bing honest. Thanks for sharing this!#TribalLove
I really need to get in shape before wedding but I am sooooooo lazy!!!
Absolutely brilliant. Some fellow commuters are looking at me like I’ve lost the plot, laughing out loud.
Hahaha, glad to be of service!
glad to be of service! 😀
Laugh out loud! working out with you would be so much fun. We pretty much would have the same reactions. Ur kick would probably motivate me to keep going. Just not in the fanny tho.
Not sure how I’ve only just seen this, but it’s great! Made me LOL at work, though, so if you could just be slightly less funny next time, please.
#triballove
Haha, glad to be of service!! Thanks for commenting xx