I’ve worked my entire adult life, as I imagine have the majority of women my age these days. I’ve been earning my own money, in various crappy-boring-not bad-brilliant jobs (as I progressed through the ages!) since I was 13.
From chalet cleaning on a holiday campsite right through to strategising communications for a major, national charity project, I’ve pretty much had every job in the book.
But now I don’t have a job. The pressures of a commute to school, plus a commute to working compressed hours through the week, jumbled together with a crappy, exhausting health condition meant something had to give, and work was the only thing (I can hardly give up being Mum!)
So now I’m a stay at home Mum, which is somewhere I never thought I’d see myself. It’s been a couple of weeks now, but I’m not settled.
These weeks have consisted so far of going to the gym, and tidying the house. I’ve gone mad on my wardrobe, and charity shopped about 80% of it, and I’ve pulled my calf muscle during an aqua aerobics session with women 40 years older than me (blaming the demonic instructor for that)
To me, this sounds like I must be one of those Mum’s. A ‘Yummy Mummy’. Or a gym mum as one of my school Mum’s kindly put it. There’s hordes of them at our school, they all turn up to the school run wearing colour coordinated gym kit (right down to the manicures I kid you not) and then do the collection in 5 inch heels. I can’t fit in with them, I don’t even brush my hair some mornings! How are they so awesome??
I tried speaking to my own Mum about this, but she told me I should feel grateful that we’re in a position that I don’t HAVE to work. That lots of women would kill to be in my position. Which of course makes me feel really bad – surely there are just as many SAHM’s who would love to work but can’t afford it, for similar reasons to me? It’s each to their own isn’t it? Is our only true value in what we do for our children?
After a life time spent basing my value on the work I’ve done and the money I earnt, this change is really bloody hard and I’m struggling to cope with it. I’m not a natural born mother, I don’t think up all these fantastic activities and outings, I don’t love every single moment. I feel inadequate, guilty, and a bit lost.
Has anyone else been through this? Am I just despicably selfish? I don’t know what a Yummy Mummy is, but I’m starting to wish I did.
I’ve somehow managed to get myself nominated for ‘best new blog’ at the MAD Awards 2016 *does small squee* I would LOVE another nomination, if you have a minute.
This is a great post. So much honestly. You’re not alone. I have 4 kids and have been working right up until #4 arrived, and after taking all my leave I resigned 3 months ago. It’s an adjustment. We lose a bit of ourselves and our identity When we decide to Become a SAHM. And i myself struggle with that label. People don’t have a positive image associated with that label. What’s our worth and value when ‘all’ we do is clean, cook and clean bums? I take it as a phase in my life. I am still the same person I used to be. The ambition and drive haven’t died. And I know a lot of mums don’t have a choice either way, so I try to think positive and see this as an opportunity to influence my children in the way I want. Please know you’re not alone! There is no shame in feeling this way. Follow my journey and struggles and support is here if you need it xxx
Thank you so much. I feel really alone with it all, and so guilty! Xx
Never feel guilty about it – it is a huge adjustment, and even if we don’t mean to we all internalise stereotypes about ‘worthwhile’ work vs. work in the home. You’re still you, no matter what you’re doing! x #pocolo
Thank you xx
Your Not Alone and there is no such thing as the perfect mum. Don’t feel Guilty and make time to do something you enjoy. When your not working you feel like your life evolves around others and you have to put yourself last because your a SAHM. Guilt is a strange thing when it comes to raising children, we all would give our children the world if we could and give them every minute of lives to them but its not realistic. I had to force myself to be a mum with my second baby and the feeling of guilt got me so down. remember your doing an amazing job and if your happy your children will be happy. I am on maternity leave and creating my own website and blogging has kept me sane. #modernmummonthly Thankyou for linking up xx
Thank you. I’m getting there! Xx
I’m not sure i have anything particularly constructive to say, as tbh there’s no way I could be a SAHM. My kids drive me nuts, there is no way I could be at home with them all the time – I go to work for a rest! I do get a little jealous of my friends who don’t work, though, who’s kids now go to nursery/school, so they get actual time off (e.g to go to the gym!). That sounds nice. I reckon I could cope with spending my mornings child-free in the local coffee shop, doodling and blogging 😉
It’s REALLY HARD. Even though the boy is at school. There’s only so much twittering one can do! Thanks for commenting xx
I feel your pain – after NG was born, I went back to work but the stress of both parents working a 2hr each way commute away was awful and, after 5 months, I gave my job up. I lasted 4 months of being a SAHM and then looked for another job because I just couldn’t do it any more. I actually think being a SAHM is the hardest job going … I am currently on mat. leave with NC and even though he’s now 6mo old, I am exhausted still! The guilt, the angst that we are ‘wasting’ our talents we spent years honing (like you, I’ve worked since I was 13). But please know you have absolutely no need to feel guilty. The main thing is to know you’re doing the best you can do at this moment in time and you clearly are. If something comes along that you feel you want to pick up (job-wise, I mean) in the future, you can and you will. I don’t know you ‘properly’ I know but definitely know from your posts that you are a great role model for your son – so don’t worry! x #PoCoLo
Thanks NK. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t done it realises how hard it is! Anyone without a bizarre you-must-WORK ethic anyway! I’m looking for part time or consultancy stuff so hopefully even earning a little pin money will alleviate some of the boredom/guilt! X
I feel your pain. The loss of a regular pay cheque rolling into my bank account every month has left a gaping hole in my life. Even though I have a small child, and a supportive partner, I still feel like I should be making my own dollar! For now though, I satisfy myself singing “Independent women’ by Destiny’s Child, as I weep into my weak cup of tea. Hopefully Beyonce can redefine womanhood and maybe I’ll reconsider my position x
http://www.theblogsmith.co.uk
I haven’t tried Beyoncé yet – good tip!! Xx
Love this post, very honest and I’m sure so many can relate. I have been a SAHM for 12 years more or less and I struggle to remember a life before it! You do adapt, and learn to make sacrifices that you wouldn’t usually have to make with a regular income, but there are so many rewards too. I always tell myself that I will never get this time back again and although it is difficult being a SAHM, I still swear it is the hardest job in the whole world, most of the time it is totally worth it. #PoCoLo
Yep I’ll keep telling myself that! 🙂 thanks for commenting xx
Dear Yummy Mummy. Yes you. All of you. Stop beating yourselves up. That’s your kids job. Stop comparing yourself to other people. If you want to know if you’re doing it right, ask your kids who is the best mum in the world. They will all give the same answer… and you can give up being a mum, but you don’t, because you’re awesome. And for all of the above including the blog and the other comments, It’s the same for dads. The proper ones anyway.
Thank you. Xxxxx
Don’t read too much into what you see online about other peoples lifestyles. Remember we all showcase only bits they we want you to see, everyone has spotty bad hair days and don’t want to play jigsaws again today days. #KCACOLS
It’s snakes and ladders here 😀 Thank you for commenting xx
Hurrah! Me too! 😀 Thanks for commenting 🙂 xx
This sounds exactly like me. My daughter is in school and I go up, in my leggings and baggy dresses, sometimes without makeup -shock, horror- and there are so many gorgeous mums there with all their babies, some with tiny babies looking absolutely amazing, going on runs in the morning…great for them! I also feel a bit lost, I need to organise my time a lot better than I do, I keep putting it off with things like going to the gym etc. And I also gave up work because school run/work just wasn’t going to work for us with all the extra childcare we would need before and after school! #kcacols
It’s bad isn’t it that things can’t be more flexible, especially now there’s remote working and what not X
Don’t you dare feel guilty honey! I’d say a yummy mummy is a caring, loving Mum and that’s it! You do whats right for you and blog your troubles away – it’s really theraputic to get it out of your head in writing and can sometimes help you find the answers you’re looking for xx #KCACOLS
I think that might be the main reason I’m writing to be honest, getting it all out of my head! Thank you for commenting xx
That phrase has always really bothered me – I feel like it creates a mental division between mothers, saying some are better than others. It also has connotations about appearance, weight, personal grooming that I find distasteful – as if manicures and clothing make you a better mum, not that you can’t be a good mum and look nice either. I wouldn’t aspire to be a yummy mummy personally. You sound really nice though, which is pretty awesome 🙂
x Alice
#kcacols
I have the same thoughts. It also implies doing everything all swanningly, and I simply don’t have a clue! Thank you for commenting lovely 🙂 xx
Totally agree with Coombe Mill above. I bet those mums just LOOK as though they have it all sorted. Everyone has good and bad days. I find myself thinking that sort of thing all the time-but I then I think I bet there are other mums looking at me sometimes and thinking “she’s got it all worked out. Look at her in her heels with her perfectly behaved child,” and then Piglet lobs a metal toy car at them and they think again. #KCACOLS
Haha! I’m sure Piglet is impeccably behaved at all times 😀 xx
I really love this post hun! I, like you worked from the age of 13 and in 2014 I decided to give up work and ‘swap roles’ with the hubby and become a SAHM. It took me about 6 months to get used to it, and there are still times now I find it really hard to manage. I also don’t come up with a tonne of ideas to keep the kids entertained 24/7 but yet get so unbelievably stressed when cabin fever sets in. All I can say is you don’t have to fit any group, just do what you enjoy, when you enjoy it both with and without the monkey. It will fall in to place eventually I’m sure! Thank you so much for linking up to #KCACOLS Hope you come back again next Sunday xx
Thank you lovely, I love your blog 🙂 xx
I agree with you – people work outside of the house for different reasons & people stay home for different reasons. Being a full time parent isn’t an easy option. I don’t know what a yummy mummy is either! lol I say you should enjoy what you are doing & if you don’t enjoy it then change it. But I wouldn’t be worried about what you think others think of you. #bigpinklink x
Thank you lovely xx
I love this post because I get what you mean!! I was actually having a post in my head about this subject but I was unable to put it into words yet. You have done a great job writing this as I understand you very well. I love my girls and I will do absolutely anything for them but I don’t consider myself as the perfect mum either. I don’t think I’m patient enough. I can’t stay hours playing with them like a lot of mums. I’m not good at crafting or painting so I’m rubbish when it comes to do this type of activities. However I do love using my blog to do things with my girls. For some reason both worlds combined perfectly and all feels right and better and the best of all we have a blast together! Don’t feel guilty for vocalising those feelings as you are not alone, There lare ots of mums out there feeling the exact same way than you. Thanks so much lovely for sharing such a great post at #KCACOLS, 🙂 xx
Thank you Franca. I’ve had a lot of people saying they have these feelings too, and it’s made me feel so much better! Xx
A really honest and heartfelt post and I’m sorry I’ve no advice. But I’m pretty sure you’re not alone, I guess it’s a bit like going to a networking event (stick with me) and sussing out which people are your best bets to talk to, and we don’t get that right all the time do we? (or I don’t anyway!) Thanks for linking up to #PoCoLo
Don’t feel guilty about being a SAHM hun, you get to see your children which is great, and you get to see the good moments that you may miss out on if you were in work. We all have a good days and then we have our bad days, which is normal about being a Mum, but you shouldn’t feel bad about it. I’m pretty envious that you get to go to the gym. Claire x #KCACOLS
Yes, I also know exactly how you feel!! Although, I always thought being a SAHM was my calling, so when financially there was no way I could go back to work, because financially we could never afford to cover childcare with my salary, I was ok with it. But now I’m doing it, I’m getting to breaking point with it, the lack of contributing, the not having my own money, the not feeling sure where I stand in the world, the sheer flipping boredom a lot of the time, eats away at me at a daily basis! But I also feel I shouldn’t complain, because I feel like I should feel ‘blessed’ about it. I will also never be one of those yummy mummies… That phrase conjures up images of perfectly toned women baking paleo, sugar free treats, working out with a personal trainer, drinking champagne before lunch!! That’s just the image I have anyway! I’d much rather be an unbrushed hair mum, with split and flaking nails and yesterday’s makeup on!!
I hope you can find a peace and a balance with your new situation, I do know just how you feel! Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink!
Thank you. The not contributing and having to ask for money is a killer. I’ve always been able to buy myself a bit of make up or whatever but now I feel bad if I do. Xx
My fiancé tells a similar story. She went from lecturer to mummy and has taken a few steps down just to be able to work again, but it’s hardly worth it for her, financially. Childcare takes up nearly £600 a month and that’s just for 4 days. Rather than have her ask for money though, our salaries get pooled and after the outgoings are taken care of we split the rest 50/50.
There are mums out there that make it look easy, turning up to school all groomed and either in gym kit or in some kind of leopard-print combination. They spend a LONG time trying to make it look easy. They’re fighting a battle inside because they’re tired of it, but the vanity always wins!
Thank you xx