The Inner Monologue of A Bedtime Routine

This is a guest post from the lovely Jade at The Parenting Jungle and is the first in my series of Monday Monologues (or Mumologues if you will!) If you would like to be a guest on the Monologue series just drop me a line or give me a tweet! You can check out my first monologue too if you like…


It is ten past seven. I was Tweeting, and it is ten minutes past bedtime. Whoops!

Buggeration. Put down the phone, ignore the fleeting wave of bad mother guilt, wait, no I didn’t press send. Must send DM. I’ll just pick up the phone quickly. Belly laugh upstairs at alcohol based tribal banter.

Oh what a hideous mess in Leo’s room! Ahh he’s is telling Spiderman that he has to have his leg amputated because the joker shot it. Do I need to start saving for a child therapist?

No, no, I’m sure it’s productive dramatic role play.

“Time to get ready for bed, tidy-up-timmmme”

I sound like an idiot, I wouldn’t listen to me, I have as much authority as a one legged cupboard sloth. Smile at child with both hope and encouragement.

“No and I don’t want to go to bed”

Glad I have brought up a child that respects his elders..Crap, he really needs to tidy up his own toys, it teaches responsibility and…who am I kidding I am going to do it because he will take ages and I want to watch Game of Thrones.

“Ok we will share jobs and mummy will be helpful. You go wash your face, brush your teeth and I will put the toys away.”

My child sounds like a put out teenage elephant when he stomps. Right, throw the toys in their boxes at record speed. Why the hell do we own so much stuff, do I really need to be this organised in my 5 years old’s bedroom, all I am teaching him is how to be OCD. Ouch I just kneeled on Spiderman. How do I make bumblebee transform back into a car..I need a degree in rocket science to do this…

Why am I humming row row row your boat manically?

I hate row row row your boat.

Right into the bathroom. Great half a tube of toothpaste squeezed into the sink. Has Leo has washed his hands. He says yes. Liar. Right, let’s wash them. Mmm, sticky and the water is brown *shudders* Try not to pull a disgusted face, always ends up looking like I have got wind.

“Good job baby.”

Oh so now he wants a book.

“Darling, we don’t have time for our story, you were too busy playing with your balls. I did ask and you said no book.”

I said that. I have just told my son he was playing with his balls. And I am smiling about it. I feel sorry for him in teenage years. If we don’t have a book every night will the parenting police come and get us? I really want to go have a cup of tea and I know how whingy he gets if he stays up past seven. I know how whingy I get without tea.

Ah, naked star jumps. Why can’t he put that energy into getting dressed? Right, lasso his jumper over his head and wrestle his coltish legs into the bottoms. They are backwards. Who is going to know? Just me, and I can live with that.

“No mummy the label is the wrong way.”


Tuck him in. I am glad I brought these sheets, NEXT material is decent..must buy more on sale, because I am cheap. Is he going to be too hot? Nope thermometer says is fine. Don’t panic you will give yourself palpitations again.

(Sing rock-a-bye-baby at his request)

I like pretending I am West end star. Shame singing hurts my ears.

“You sing beautiful mummy.”

I love you little boy.

Jade & Leo
Jade & Leo
Pink Pear Bear

26 thoughts on “The Inner Monologue of A Bedtime Routine

  1. Hahahaha this is actually awesome. I love it. Best thing is I can imagine Jade saying half of this and I’ve heard the live versions lol. Think he’s going to be a comedian like his mumma xx

  2. Hahah row, row, row your boat gets stuck in my head too, whyyy?! I’m sorry but the naked star fish jumps are hilarious, although must be frustrating in reality. : ) Love this monologue, and yes how do they have so much dirt on their hands! #triballove

  3. Hahaha brilliant! Nursery rhymes are all so bloody catchy, it’s a nightmare. Also love that the spelling of Jon Snow made me think of the newsreader rather than the sexy one in GoT!! #triballove #bigpinklink

  4. This was lovely, especially the last line. When Mother puts me to bed on a Friday and Saturday, I can almost see the longed-for glass of wine in her eyes 😉 #bigpinklink

  5. Hahaha this is just brilliant – love when you’re washing his hands “mmm sticky” lol! I always seem to have nursery rhymes in my head, today I had the CBeebies “it’s Monday ahaaaaaa-aah” song in my head, blooming annoying
    😉 great series Sarah, can’t wait for the next instalment! Xx #triballove

  6. Haha, brilliant and I am relieved to know that I am not the only one who a) tidies up kids room so that I can get down to watch tv. The Good Wife in my case – LOVE IT. And that b) I’m not the only who hums nursery rhymes whilst doing chores. In my case though it is wind the sodding bobbin up! I now can’t wait until the next one! Not nursery rhyme, I mean the next mumologue. Genius by the way! 🙂

    1. Well I need volunteers you know…also I just finished season 6 of The Good Wife – OMFG I LOVE IT too!!! But I’ve missed half of season 7 on ch4 and it’s not on NetFlix yet and WAAAAAA xx

  7. Oh, Jade fab to know what goes on in that mind!! ha ha! Love this line so much and I feel so much the same ‘I wouldn’t listen to me, I have as much authority as a one legged cupboard sloth.’ I swear my kids feel like that about me with the look I get and the constant ‘Oh, Helen’ comments – all authority gone – can you tell?! Loving this series – I need to get involved! #BigPinkLink

  8. And now I have row row row your boat stuck in my head…

    I am always thinking “I should probably start teaching her to put the toys back into the box…but she’s one..I’ll just do it”

    Lu xx


  9. This is so funny – and such a great idea for a series!
    My oldest boys is a nightmare for insisting that he doesn’t want a story (in order to do something else instead), but then of course he ends up getting upset because he wants a story….arrgh!

  10. This is so perfect. Pretty much sums up every night at my house accept for my husband is usually getting our son all excited and hyper while I am reading on my phone and forget its bed time. You definitely made me laugh. Thanks for sharing! #bigpinklink #triballove

  11. Brilliant idea for a series, and a brilliant monologue to give us an idea of what goes through someone’s head trying to put their child to bed…! Star jumps and sticky brown hands!! Sounds about right!! I tend to get the Peppa Pig theme in my head when I’m doing a desperate tidy, or trying to placate someone having a meltdown… And my inner monologue is usually littered with swear words, because I’ve always just about had it by the time the bedtime trauma is taking place!

  12. This is brilliant!!! JADE – you’re my buggeration word buddy. I say that all the time, out loud though and plurallly….
    Such a familiar monologue. Love the descriptions of the getting dressed and the cupboard sloth.
    Sarah – such a fabby series, can’t wait to read more #triballove X

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