The Inner Monologue of *That* Conversation

Let me set the scene. It’s nearly time for school, the boy is happily ensconced in front of the telly while we wait for the taxi (yes we have to commute to stupid school and no I can’t bloody drive yet because TESTS and ROUNDABOUTS and INSANE London drivers mayhem – usually get a lift but do have to taxi occasionally)

I decide to have a quick squizz on Twitter and see a lovely blog by my pal Emma about her decision not to have any more babies. Ah babies. Brooody.

Here’s the resulting conversation and Inner Monologue to go with it.

“Rian, would you like a little brother or sister?”

Rian: “No”

Ah he always says that. It’s not really up to him though is it, I’m sure he’d be ok if we did. I don’t think we’d catch him trying to drop baby down loo or anything like that I…eh?

Rian: “Do you really get babies from kissing?”

Shit. Err. Do they still say that at school? I remember people saying that. Right, lets nip this one in the bud.

“No, of course not darling, we would be over run with babies wouldn’t we if we get them from kissing!” **manic laughter**

Oh please leave it as that…please…please…

“How do you get a baby then?”

BOLLOCKS

“Err…you need to decide you want to be a Mummy and Daddy!”

Rian: “Does it hurt?”

“No, of course not it’s very nice”

Shit! Why did I say that? He”ll be even more interested if I say it’s nice! It is nice though I suppose, that bit of proceedings. Not too sure about the rest mind. Crap he’s got that thinking look on his mush. Please please please. God I should have planned this conversation, what did my Mum tell me when I asked? What did I used to think? Stork? No I’m not telling him some lanky bird delivers babies to people’s doorsteps. I don’t want him to be like my friend who thought lesbian was another word for alien until she was fourteen because that’s what her Mum told her when she asked and then she asked her mates if they’d seen the Steven Spielberg film about the little brown lesbian and they thought she was mental.

“But how do the babies get inside your tummy? Do you put them in your belly button?”

Faaaaack! Oh I’m blushing now, why am I blushing? My ears are burning, I haven’t gone this red since the wind blew my maxi skirt over my head at the bottom of the escalators at Oxford Circus and approximately 1349 people saw my arse and I couldn’t get the damn thing to stay down.

“Err…well…err, Mummy’s and Daddy’s have a special kind of cuddle, and if they are lucky it makes a baby”

“So if I cuddle you will you have a baby?”

OH MY GOD!!!! I can’t have him telling his friends at school that if they cuddle their mothers they’ll get pregnant! They’ll tell their mothers and they’ll think I’m a deviant!

“No, no darling, only Mummy’s and Daddy’s”

“But Matty at nursery had two Mummy’s…did they do a special cuddle?”

Kill me. Kill me now. This is literally the worst moment of my parenting career. My five year old is grilling me about sex and I want a hole to swallow me up. And now I’m thinking in Freudian imagery, yey!

“Well, everyone does have a Daddy somewhere, but some people live with two Mummy’s or two Daddy’s, or just with one of either or other family, it’s all a lovely mix”

He’s looking puzzled, quick I’ll get him a biscuit. Ok, all biscuits have been eaten. Whose eaten those I only bought them yesterday, greedy bastards. Aargh, distract him distract him…

“How do babies come out of your tummy? Is it like a poo?”

“Not exactly darling…oh look, the cab! Now you can play with my phone if you like?!?! Yes??”

Please agree please agree please agree, if he starts yabbering on about pooing out babies in the taxi I might actually die of embarrassment, I’m pretty sure that is a genuine possibility…

“Ok Mummy!”

Phew! I hope I remembered to put my deodorant on this morning…

stork

Petite Pudding
A Cornish Mum

66 thoughts on “The Inner Monologue of *That* Conversation

  1. Haha!! Brilliant!! I was grilled by my 9 year old nephew about babies when he first met Georgia. Talk about deep end! Love the special kind of cuddle explanation! #triballove

  2. This is hilarious. I remember the kids at my school told me some very odd things about reproduction and I always thought it would be best to just be honest about the whole process from the start, but then you going terrify them! #Chucklemums

    1. Haha, I remember someone at school telling me she could remember being in her Mummy’s tummy and that it was “all ribby”!!!

  3. Oh wow, this is yet to come for me but NG is VERY curious about babies and tummies and bums – though the bum thing is all focused on poo at the moment – so I think it will be pretty soon. This is hilarious and I think you handled it excellently (PS also loved Emma’s post :)) #chucklemums

  4. How incredibly awkward and hilarious at the same time. Wow, I really felt for you reading that! The two mummies comment almost had me spitting out my coffee. When my daughter gets to that age, I wonder if she’ll be just as curious. #chucklemums

  5. Hahahahahaha, is it wrong that I love that my post prompted the most awkward conversation with your son. He was grilling you!! Also laughed at your friend who asked everyone if they had seen the film with the little brown lesbian. Really funny. I have just started my day crying with laughter into my shreddies 🙂 #chucklemums

    1. Glad to hear it. She was so embarrassed. Another one that I didn’t include was asking my mum what a D I L D O was and she told me it was another word for idiot!!! Hahah.

      1. aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh baaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaa crying with laughter. That reminds me of when I was 7 years old and I thought I had invented a brand new word that was like twit but not, yes it was t w a t and yes I was calling of the kids in the playgrounds t w a t s when the headteacher overheard. I honestly thought I was being clever. It was more embarassing for my mum when she had to explain “No Emma, we don’t call our friends t w a t s because…”

  6. Fantastic. Daddy DiscomBUBulated has told my two boys that they have little swimming fish in their testicles. We have all sorts of aquarium/marine life conversations in the bath (“What if they swim out NOW? Will I lose all my babies??”) and I’m not quite sure how to undo this confusion. Brilliant post. #chucklemums

  7. Hehehe… very good distraction tactic there at the end! Mine’s only 15 months, so if I asked him if he wants another he would just repeat the would baby. But I’m pretty sure he would throw him or her down the toilet as he tries that with everything else, so why would a new baby be different… #chucklemums

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

  8. Oh blimey, I’ve had this with my son. I tried to go for the ‘grain of truth in an otherwise utter fib’ approach and ended up blethering on about daddy putting a seed in mummy’s tummy. The conversation didn’t end well. In fact, it ended up with chocolate buttons to distract him. And he’s never looked at a garden centre in the same light ever again.

  9. Ha ha ha oh this made me smile. I think you handled it very well, goodness knows what rubbish my parents will come out with. It must be the most terrifying conversation parents have to have. Also, your line about flashing 1349 people tickled me 😉 x #chucklemums

  10. Haha! When I taught Reception and was pregnant, one of the kids asked her Mum how I got pregnant. Her mum told her I ate too much! #chucklemums #triballove

  11. PMSL at “little brown lesbians”!!!
    God, THAT conversation with kids is never good, is it. I always swore I would be 100% upfront with my kids about sex etc, but my 3yo took me totally by surprise when he asked me – I wasn’t expecting those sorts of questions for a few years yet!
    #chucklemums

  12. love it. I’ve had this conversation more times than I can count. I’m pretty sure that right now she thinks daddy uses magic to put the baby in mommy, and then mommy poops it out. close enough! #puddinglove

  13. I am laughing so much – the little brown lesbian! Oh my god!!!!! I really do not know how I will handle this situation, I think you did pretty well actually. I am going to buy some books now and start teaching him immediately!!! #puddinglove #triballove

  14. He knows about different bits but I don’t think he quite understands the mechanics. I’m just going to say magic next time! 🙂

  15. This is brilliant! I dread the day Emma asks me about this and I will no doubt be clueless as to what to say…eeek. I love these inner monologues, so funny – can’t wait for the next xx #triballove

  16. Haha so funny! We had big discussions about this with our 3yo when baby number 2 was born. I can’t even remember what we said now. Something about mummy having an egg in her tummy I think. Hilarious post!

  17. Haha this made me laugh out loud!! Dreading these conversations with my 4 year old…hope it doesn’t happen for a while! X #PickNMix

  18. ha ha ha ha !! ‘That’ conversation gets every parent – you’d think we’d be fine but no – hate it! Oh I promise I didn’t laugh about the skirt situation – much! Fab post lovely #KCACOLS

  19. lol lol. Before I had my daughter, my son was adamant that ladies “pooed out” babies, he was seven at the time lol.
    I think we all squirm at this type of conversation.
    #KCACOLS

  20. oh thats brilliant, I laughed so much through that, a bit of gin and tonic nearly even came down my nose – I shouldn’t really do any more commenting tonight as I’ll probably get asked to leave blog world forever. Kids are great, tonight (and i tweeted this when it happened) by 7yr old said he was all dry after his bath, even his ball sack! Nearly wet myself…and btw I’ve never even mentioned a sack of any sort for him to want to even mention it:) Great post.
    Mainy x
    #KCACOLS

  21. Oh Gosh this is so funny. I am not looking forward to this convo with my daughter when she is older though no idea what I’ll say- Probably go ask your dad 😉

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

    Azaria-Being Mrs Lynch

  22. Ha ha ha – this cracked me up! Pie wasn’t that inquisitive when we told him about Pudding and for that I am eternally grateful. The phone distraction was a great idea in replacement of biscuits! #chucklemums #PuddingLove

  23. Haha – love it! No idea what I would say! You can’t be prepared anyway, can you? It’s impossible to predict what odd questions & tangents they will come out with! #chucklemums

  24. Haha – the lesbian/alien comment made me laugh out loud. So funny!

    I was told that you get babies by special kissing. I remember deciding for myself that this meant you use tongues for a baby and no tongues if you didn’t want to get pregnant, unless the man wore a condom and kissed you using tongues, then it was ok. When my mum actually sat me down and told me how you really make babies (“daddy has to put his…. Inside mummy’s ….) I was so shocked I burst into tears and declared I would never ever have a baby. I didn’t speak to my dad for weeks either and genuinely couldn’t look at him.

    I’m not sure what I will tell Arthur when he asks, depends how old he is – maybe that daddy has to give mummy a special seed to plant in her tummy or something like that?!! #KCACOLS

  25. Oh my word. I am so lucky my children have never asked about babies. I try to explain it to them I mean they do need to know at some point right? Ugh, we used “seeds”. I stole it from Magic School Bus Episode on Chickens and Eggs. lol That’s right. I am a terrible mother but it worked. I think you did great, and I love the inner monologue sharing, thank you! #KCACOLS

  26. Oh my goodness my co-workers are going to wonder why I’m laughing so hard during my lunch break. Oh I am so dreading this conversation with my boy. Honestly I’m hoping my husband will do it. Maybe I should make a plan for the conversation. #KCACOLS #TribalLove

  27. Haha oh yes I’ve had this exact conversation with my eldest. By the age of 6 when I was pregnant with my third he wouldn’t accept the special cuddle story so we went full scale biology on him. He hasn’t asked again since! Thanks for linking to #PicknMix

  28. Ahahahahaha, I had a conversation like this with my nephew a few years ago that ended up in me going, “er, ask your mum.” at the end and then my sister trying to kill em for being a bit honest.
    We’ve told my niece we had some ‘help’ with our baby. We also told her we’re having a crocodile. #kcacols

  29. I used to think how easy it would be to talk about sex with a 5 year old and why were parents so sensitive about it? “Oh darling, i’m so glad you asked. daddy puts his willy in mummy’s fanny look just here sweetheart. it doesnt always work if daddys pissed though. 9 months later sometimes a baby comes out of the same place. No you’re right Reception isn’t a good time i know you saw roger waving his around when maisie ran off crying etc etc”
    Ah biscuits – the answer to pretty much everything Jo x

  30. Oh my gosh that was funny, I left the ‘talk’ to my husband when I had our third baby, not sure what was said but my husband told me my sons reaction of ‘oh…. I bet that hurts’

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.