The Inner Monologue of Two Naughty Words

Let me set the scene. I was waiting at the bus stop with the boy, when he decided to ask me one of those questions that make you look around to see if anyone is listening. Warning, this post contains naughty words.

“Mummy, which word is the naughtiest? The B word, or the W word?”

Shit! When has he heard me say bitch and wanker? I do love a judicious use of the word ‘wanker’ but I’m not really that fond of ‘bitch’ – where has he got that from?

“Erm, I’m not sure I know what you mean darling. What words are they?”

*Scans surroundings for disapproving bat eared old biddies*

“I can’t say Mummy, you’ll tell me off”

Right. This should be fun, how can I get it out of him without him thinking it’s totally hilarious that I’m making him swear? FFS.

“Ok, why don’t you whisper them to me?”

*Boy looks shifty*

“I can’t Mummy. They are naughty words”

For Gods sake. He’s clearly saying these at school isn’t he. I didn’t think they started with the swearing this young I shall have to be having an excruciating conversation with his teacher. She’s going to think we’re a bunch of foul mouthed, chain smoking, binge drinking Wayne and Waynetta Slob types who only speak in swears. Bollocks.

“Ok, how about you just tell me the bits of the word that come after the B and the W?”

*More shifty looks* *whispers*


Bloody? Oh phew, that’s alright! I’ll let him think that’s a naughty word.

“Well yes darling, that is a very naughty word. We mustn’t say that ok?”

Don’t laugh, don’t laugh

“Ok, what’s the W word? Does it rhyme with anchor?”

*Boy looks puzzled*


“No Mummy. It’s…W…ot the heck”

What the heck?!

*fall about laughing*



I am always on the look out for guest posters in my Monday Monologue series – if you would like to write one, or want me to turn a situation into one for you just drop me a line! Previous collaborators are Bed Time Routine and Trip to the Health Visitor

Pink Pear Bear



Island Living 365


The Pramshed

28 thoughts on “The Inner Monologue of Two Naughty Words

  1. Oh this is brilliant! Just brilliant. When I was little I was told off for shouting “you are a tw@t” to my brother at a family christening. In my defence I did not realise what it meant. I thought it was like twit! My Nan was not amused! Haha. #bigpinklink

    1. I got done for that one too – my cousin wrote it backwards on a rubber to print it and my mum found it haha! Xx

  2. My son kept saying shit when he was small and he could have only have got it from me (only English speaking person in the house) in the end I told him never to say bubbles and pretended to be shocked when he did… It worked for a while…

  3. aww love him!! that is so cute.. this innocence is so refreshing after living with my teen who I fear will end up with the same foul mouth as me lol (my fault completely – whoops!) bless him #chucklemums

  4. My son is right into “what the heck”…? Must be on some kids show…of course he couldn’t have got it from me( 😉 ). The worst part is, is that he says, “What the?” and leaves it hanging, like WTF. Now THAT sounds bad on a 4 year old. Oh dear. #chucklemums

  5. What the heck! Hahah! That’s brilliant! I used to think bloody was a bad word too when I was younger, despite it being every second word out of my Mother’s mouth! My Mom actually told me the other day that I should start curbing my language around Mini now, but as I disliked her interfering I told her that I was hoping to bad words so much that she didn’t realise they were naughty and therefore wouldn’t want to say them as much….that’s one way of looking at things, right? (No, I know, she is right…dammit.) Lucy xx #triballove

  6. Haha oh I love their innocence!
    As we where walking home today I said ‘Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye’ when my 3 year old asked if she could really have her malteasers when we got in.
    She looked at me very serious and said ‘Mummy, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear those bad words’.

  7. I rather like ‘luddy’ – might adopt that one -oh luddy hell, a bit like oh ‘king’ hell, it’s not so rude.
    My son told me recently that he knew what the C word was, as he’s 9 I braced myself for the worst, and told him it wasn’t a word that he should use especially in school and it turned out to be ‘crap’. I was delighted with lameness of said ‘C’ word. #speaking in swears!!

  8. Hahaha, oh bless him thank goodness for they eh. They’re so sweet and their innocence can really melt your heart, and make you chuckle xx #bigpinklink

  9. when our dodgy car conked out my 2year old started shouting “what bloody car??” We were wetting ourselves and then had to point out the window at the cows to stop him repeating the b word! #bigpinklink

  10. My 6 year old came home from school the other day having learnt a new word. He dropped the f bomb and my jaw hit the floor. We had a big chat about bad words. He then wrote me a note which said “Mummy, I’m sorry i said F@$#. Cue another chat! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  11. Oh my goodness I love that your cousin made a rubber print of that word. That made me chortle. Those were the days, swearing backwards and thinking we were so cool doing it. Oh, just me…again! Thanks for linking up lovely! #FridayFrolics

  12. Ha ha this made me laugh so much reading this….I love how “what the heck” in an innocent child’s eyes is rude. I remember my Mum and Dad saying that when I was younger, obviously using it instead of much ruder words. Claire x #bigpinklink

  13. Hahaha – out of the mouth of babes.
    As a child I loudly said to my Uncle, “Whatever you do, don’t say the F word” to a crowded overnight ferry. With a look of shock and dread, he reprimanded me (very quietly). “WHAT F word?”…..
    “Food Uncle Tim, I feel sick from the boat”

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