Let me set the scene. I was waiting at the bus stop with the boy, when he decided to ask me one of those questions that make you look around to see if anyone is listening. Warning, this post contains naughty words.
“Mummy, which word is the naughtiest? The B word, or the W word?”
Shit! When has he heard me say bitch and wanker? I do love a judicious use of the word ‘wanker’ but I’m not really that fond of ‘bitch’ – where has he got that from?
“Erm, I’m not sure I know what you mean darling. What words are they?”
*Scans surroundings for disapproving bat eared old biddies*
“I can’t say Mummy, you’ll tell me off”
Right. This should be fun, how can I get it out of him without him thinking it’s totally hilarious that I’m making him swear? FFS.
“Ok, why don’t you whisper them to me?”
*Boy looks shifty*
“I can’t Mummy. They are naughty words”
For Gods sake. He’s clearly saying these at school isn’t he. I didn’t think they started with the swearing this young I shall have to be having an excruciating conversation with his teacher. She’s going to think we’re a bunch of foul mouthed, chain smoking, binge drinking Wayne and Waynetta Slob types who only speak in swears. Bollocks.
“Ok, how about you just tell me the bits of the word that come after the B and the W?”
*More shifty looks* *whispers*
Bloody? Oh phew, that’s alright! I’ll let him think that’s a naughty word.
“Well yes darling, that is a very naughty word. We mustn’t say that ok?”
Don’t laugh, don’t laugh
“Ok, what’s the W word? Does it rhyme with anchor?”
*Boy looks puzzled*
“No Mummy. It’s…W…ot the heck”
What the heck?!
*fall about laughing*
I am always on the look out for guest posters in my Monday Monologue series – if you would like to write one, or want me to turn a situation into one for you just drop me a line! Previous collaborators are Bed Time Routine and Trip to the Health Visitor…