Being pregnant seems to make you the centre of attention in many ways. Here’s 6 people you are likely to encounter on your pregnancy journey.
1. The Groping Granny
There you are, minding your own business in the supermarket, wondering whether double-chocolate caramel Yop counts as a heartburn remedy when suddenly out of nowhere an old lady will appear and grab your bump. This behavior is usually accompanied by coo’s of “how far you are along dear?” “are you sure it isn’t twins?”, “you’d better hope your waters don’t break here!” etc. It’s best to smile and nod politely, then run (amble) away to the freezer section where it’s too cold for them to follow you.
2. The Harassed Midwife
It’s entirely possible that you are the 17th patient that day to have forgotten their little pot of wee due to babybrain, the 5th to ask them if that brown line down your belly is normal, the 21st with slightly swollen ankles and the 342nd to burst in to tears and ask for a sweep because you’re enormous and knackered and you’re only 35 weeks along and can’t take anymore! So if your midwife seems harassed, it’s entirely possible it’s because she’s had her fill of pregnant women in wasp-up-nostril-warthog-mode for the day. Cross your fingers for better luck next time. And maybe try for an earlier appointment.
3. The pregnancy-phobic friend
This is the person who you haven’t seen for ages who you want to catch up with before you pop. You will notice their eyes widen slightly with horror as your bump precedes you and you waddle towards them. Have fun making them go green as you regale them with your pregnancy horror stories. The best bit is the look on their face when you grab their hand so they can feel baby moving (a fizzy drink will get baby cooperating with this dastardly plan to freak them out)
4. The know-it-all relative
This one will probably be childless, yet will seem to know everything and anything you can imagine about pregnancy and childbirth and rearing well adjusted children. Prepare to listen to them drone on for several hours about how smacking never did them any harm and how you should leave your baby to cry themselves to sleep every night or you’ll never get them to leave home. You may be tempted to initiate warthog-with-wasp-up-nostril mode
, but take deep breaths. You may have to see this person once the hormones have worn off.
5. The Horror Birther
If you have an inkling you’ve just met this one, then run. Well, pick up your pace a little bit at least. This one’s eyes will light up the moment they see you, and they will raise a knowing eyebrow before launching into the tale of the Worst Birth Experience Known To Woman. There will be blood. There will be tears. There may be babies flying out all over the shop, with no medics in sight. Usually it will be a horror story that happened to take place in the hospital you want to give birth in. It’s actually not too rude to stick your fingers in your ears and say LA LA LA LA LA very loudly. In fact, that’s exactly what I’d recommend.
6. The Over Interested Colleague
Previously, you may have only ever made small talk over the water cooler. Suddenly she wants to be your best mate. Menu suggestions, asking how you’re sleeping, probing questions about mucous and peritoneal massage. Once you’ve figured out exactly what sort of massage that is, you may want to ask to move desks.