It feels really exciting packing the bag you’ll take to the hospital when you have your baby. I remember packing and repacking mine several times with glee (I’m slightly odd like that – love packing) Trouble is, I barely used any of it! What was the point?!
Off the top of my head, this is what I remember having in it:
- TENS machine
- Phone & charger
- Echinacea tablets
- Arnica cream
- Energy sweets
- Water spray
- Massive disposable pants
- Even more massive maternity pads
- Breast pads
- Bikini top and nightie for labour
- Notepads with names we liked
- Half a tonne of baby clothes, nappies and cotton wool
Did I use it all? Did I heck. I couldn’t even find the name notepad, and could only remember Rian because it was the weird one, and then my Mum pestered me into choosing one straight away. Sorry boy, for subjecting you to a lifetime of saying “Ryan with an i” seven times over the phone to idiots in call centres. With that in mind, how about some actual useful stuff you could take? Here’s what places like BabyCentre recommend, and my advice, followed by my alternative far more sensible suggestions:
- Dressing gown – Hospitals are boiling hot, don’t bother
- Backless slip-on slippers, – you’ll only lose them, and you know the good thing about feet? They are like, waterproof and washable.
- Socks – if you have any awareness of your feet in labour then there is something very wrong with you, missy.
- Old nightdress or T-shirt – again, don’t bother. Well, I wouldn’t. I ripped all my clothes off like an enraged WWE wrestler the second I got in the birthing suite and refused to put anything back on.
- Massage oil or lotion – again, not for me, I was too busy moo-ing to want to be rubbed down. I couldn’t bear anyone to touch me.
- Snacks and drinks – I refused to eat or drink anything in labour, much to the midwife’s chagrin.
- Things to help you relax or pass the time – Relax? RELAX?!
- Music. If you insist, but for god’s sake make sure it’s appropriate – you don’t want baby emerging to Johnny Cash’s “Burning Ring of Fire” now do you.
- Paracetamol for when labour starts – ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
- Breast pads – you won’t need these unless you’re in for more than a few days. My tits did bugger all until day 3 when I emerged from a nap barely able to see over the Dolly Parton style buggers. THAT’s when I needed the breast pads.
Mumzilla’s Hospital Bag List:
- Heroin – I’ve heard it’s got excellent pain killing qualities
- Gin – for when they are doing the stitches
- Xanax – you’ll need to chill out after when you’re on the ward with 15 skriking newborns trying to change that first meconium nappy with COTTON BLOODY WOOL
- Massive knickers and pads – yeah sorry, you will need those bad boys, and they are gonna make you feel seeeeexxyyyy
- Earplugs – so you can sleep amidst the madness of the ward. Don’t worry about feeling guilty if you can’t hear your own baby, the xanax should sort that out.
- Cheese – You haven’t been allowed the good stuff for months so make sure you start as you mean to go on!
But anything else? Don’t bother! Cheese, drugs, earplugs, booze and massive pants.