An Alternative Hospital Bag Packing Guide

It feels really exciting packing the bag you’ll take to the hospital when you have your baby. I remember packing and repacking mine several times with glee (I’m slightly odd like that – love packing) Trouble is, I barely used any of it! What was the point?!

Off the top of my head, this is what I remember having in it:

  • TENS machine
  • Phone & charger
  • Echinacea tablets
  • Arnica cream
  • Paracetamol
  • Energy sweets
  • Water spray
  • Magazines
  • Massive disposable pants
  • Even more massive maternity pads
  • Breast pads
  • Bikini top and nightie for labour
  • Notepads with names we liked
  • Half a tonne of baby clothes, nappies and cotton wool

Did I use it all? Did I heck. I couldn’t even find the name notepad, and could only remember Rian because it was the weird one, and then my Mum pestered me into choosing one straight away. Sorry boy, for subjecting you to a lifetime of saying “Ryan with an i” seven times over the phone to idiots in call centres. With that in mind, how about some actual useful stuff you could take? Here’s what places like BabyCentre recommend, and my advice, followed by my alternative far more sensible suggestions:

  • Dressing gown – Hospitals are boiling hot, don’t bother
  • Backless slip-on slippers, – you’ll only lose them, and you know the good thing about feet? They are like, waterproof and washable.
  • Socks – if you have any awareness of your feet in labour then there is something very wrong with you, missy.
  • Old nightdress or T-shirt – again, don’t bother. Well, I wouldn’t. I ripped all my clothes off like an enraged WWE wrestler the second I got in the birthing suite and refused to put anything back on.
  • Massage oil or lotion – again, not for me, I was too busy moo-ing to want to be rubbed down. I couldn’t bear anyone to touch me.
  • Snacks and drinks – I refused to eat or drink anything in labour, much to the midwife’s chagrin.
  • Things to help you relax or pass the time – Relax? RELAX?!
  • Music. If you insist, but for god’s sake make sure it’s appropriate – you don’t want baby emerging to Johnny Cash’s “Burning Ring of Fire” now do you.
  • Paracetamol for when labour starts – ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
  • Breast pads – you won’t need these unless you’re in for more than a few days. My tits did bugger all until day 3 when I emerged from a nap barely able to see over the Dolly Parton style buggers. THAT’s when I needed the breast pads.

Mumzilla’s Hospital Bag List:

  • Heroin – I’ve heard it’s got excellent pain killing qualities
  • Gin – for when they are doing the stitches
  • Xanax – you’ll need to chill out after when you’re on the ward with 15 skriking newborns trying to change that first meconium nappy with COTTON BLOODY WOOL
  • Massive knickers and pads – yeah sorry, you will need those bad boys, and they are gonna make you feel seeeeexxyyyy
  • Earplugs – so you can sleep amidst the madness of the ward. Don’t worry about feeling guilty if you can’t hear your own baby, the xanax should sort that out.
  • Cheese – You haven’t been allowed the good stuff for months so make sure you start as you mean to go on!

But anything else? Don’t bother! Cheese, drugs, earplugs, booze and massive pants.




21 thoughts on “An Alternative Hospital Bag Packing Guide

  1. Live it Sarah. Cut to the chase and leave those little mimsy white tablets at home. The low point for me was all the delicious food we packed for after the birth: smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad, champagne … DH had massive rush of blood to brain and gave it all away to the nurses and midwives at the end of the corridor. Yes, we’re still married. Just. #Chucklemums

  2. Definitely second earplugs. I was kept on an observation ward after my waters went early and it was midnight and there was this african lady talking in her phone loudly as she had been all day. I very nearly lost my temper until some kind midwife found some earplugs for me and told her to shut up! #chucklemums

  3. I took earplugs with me, best thing ever! I think I took digestives but I ended up wanting fruit gums? All a bit of a haze if I’m honest haha. I had music, I know the play list back to front because we were in for 4 days, 4 days of the same songs on repeat! Make a massive playlist!!! #chucklemums

  4. Wet wipes were a must because I couldn’t bear the thought of touching the handles on the toilet door because I knew where everyones hands had been! I’d rather have a face, fanny and feet wash from my bed!! #Chucklemums

  5. Earplugs!!! That’s the best shout I’ve ever heard! Absolutely did my head in hearing all the other mums the night after having mine. You’d think they were having babies or something, the noises they were making.
    Obviously, I really have full sympathy, but seriously could have done with some silence!
    Great post <3 #chucklemums

  6. Yes! I demanded a cheese board from my other half, with heaps of blue cheese. I didn’t get it! The rest of the stuff, you are right, is just not required. I remember repeatedly tripping over my hospital bag during my first birth as I circumnavigated the room, howling like a banshee. Didn’t give much thought to the bag for the second birth! #chucklemums

  7. I had my daughter in the UK… the ward was sooo hot and yes for ear plugs!! I had my twins in the US which meant I got my own room, but unlike the UK they have so much staff – a good thing you’d think? No…. leave me alone!! There is not 15mins that goes by without someone testing you, feeding you, cleaning the room, drugging you (that’s the good bit), squeezing your boob or just ‘popping in to check you’re OK.’. So can I add a massive padlock to the bag to keep them out? #chucklemums

  8. I definitely could’ve done with the alcohol when my epidural failed to work. I ended up chucking my slippers away because they became so filthy. I was in hospital 6 days in total so they got a lot of use. I should’ve just used the hospital’s faaaabulous socks. There was no use packing baby clothes as the hospital provided them and my little one soon went through hers because she kept refluxing.

  9. I love this! Especially the comment about the socks – exactly!! Who the hell is worrying about the troublesome bother of slightly cold feet when there is a person emerging from you?!? As for ‘paracetamol’ to help with the pain…yes, that will make a dent in it. Your point about cheese reminded me of my friend who ordered all the ‘banned’ pregnancy foods for when she came out of hospital. I liked her style x #chucklemums

  10. Such a good point about the breast pads, I completely did not think about that! With you on the cheese. And the great thing is, if you take a really smelly brie, the boiling hot conditions of the ward will ripen it up a treat and it’ll drip onto your hospital toast. Mmmmm. Literal mmmm. #chucklemums

  11. Cheese, drugs and disposable pants. Yup, you definitely have it covered. I got take away pizza, which was really good at the time, but then after too much gas and air, I threw it all up again. I was advised to take my own pillow as there are never enough around in hospital and they are so rubbish. I just got the cheapest one going at Argos, and it was good to have a proper pillow to lie back on, once it was all over. #chucklemums

  12. This is all very true. I wish I’d packed earplugs & xanax. The only night I could have slept was the first one, but there was so much adrenaline bouncing round me that I couldn’t switch off. I’ve not slept since!

  13. I blame One Born Every Minute for making me think I’d need to pack a pack of cards for the ‘waiting’. Yeah, when I turned up at the hospital fully dilated playing Snap wasn’t really top of my to do list. #chucklemums

  14. Bahaha this is great. I too packed a suitcase worth of crap and did not use any of it. I would say a fan for labour cause I got so buggering hot I tried to half climb out the window to get to fresh air. I also took a box of matchmakers which I enjoyed eating then throwing up 20 hours in. The mooing comment made me laugh, amusingly I apparently was just humming and saying sorry. Annoying git. With the occasional Fuck off to anyone that came near me included. Totally taking cheese next time, and pate, and a bit bottle of wine. #chucklemums xx

  15. As an ex midwife and retired Advanced Neonatal Nurse Practitioner I think you’re spot on! Part of my role was to performed the new born examination prior to discharge. I bloody hated it when mum’s gave me piddling little cotton wool balls to clean up meconium! Big cotton pads and a good run down is required! And I know about other mums talking very loud on phones or their Tv’s blaring! Give me strength

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