Are All Small Children Psychopaths?

I think the general adage is that people who grow up to be evil, scary mass murderer types have usually been horribly neglected as children. It has long been a theory of mine that ALL small children are slightly…unhinged. That in fact, perhaps, all children start off as psychopaths and that they need our careful care and guidance and ever-lasting-bloody-patience to mould them into sensible non-bloodthirsty grown ups.

Here are some examples of why I think it’s possible that toddlers are in fact, just very small psychopaths. I’ve used some of the signs of psychopathy in adults…


Glib and superficial charm

Let’s face it – those little cherubs can be sooo charming when they want to watch Paw Patrol for the umpteenth time, turning on the soulful eyes and lisping “pweeeeees Mummy, a thousand times pweeeees” But you know the moment you refuse it’s curtains for you…

Need for stimulation

See above. If it’s not crappy TV then it’s pestering to play games, to watch them as they play games, to go somewhere deeply annoying with them, like the soft play, the park, to watch them on the park. Constant need to be entertained.

Pathological lying

Rian, did you just write your name on the carpet with my lip gloss?! “No”

Cunning and manipulativeness

There is a base animal cunning that all the children I know have. This develops gradually, usually starting with asking Daddy for a biscuit when Mummy has just said no, denying they have just had a biscuit when they want another one, and developing into such exploits as dragging a chair to the cupboard to raid it for biscuits themselves while you are locked in the toilet banging your head against the wall due to all the endless biscuit demands.

Lack of remorse or guilt

“Mummy, you are fat and your bottom smells” Thanks kid, you know that really hurts my feelings “I don’t care” Hmm.

Parasitic lifestyle

This one goes without saying – the little buggers cost a fortune.

Poor behavioural controls

Anyone who has a small child knows full well they can go from zero to shitfit in 0.2 seconds (usually in the supermarket). It’s not just poor control – there is NO control.

Irrational behaviour

One example: you give your child a lovingly cooked from scratch dinner. They eat it all, and claim it is delicious. Serve up a portion for lunch the following day and get treated like you have just presented them with a freshly microwaved dog turd.


Clearly when it’s said that parenting is the most important job in the world it really is – it’s the only thing stopping us being over run with Hannibal Lector and friends. What psychopathic things have your little darlings been up to this week?!

Baying for my blood because I wouldn’t let him bring a massive, filthy branch home.




13 thoughts on “Are All Small Children Psychopaths?

  1. Still awaiting the full joys of toddler psycho life style but I’m beginning to see the signs. This weeks we have been facing ‘need for stimulation’ and ‘irrational behaviour’ triggered simultaneously by the TV remote- a continued source of unpredictability.

  2. Like your theory and am currently shit scared that I may fuck mine up….. I was recently threatened with a ‘stabbing,’ by my middle child i can’t remember why but I’m sure of was asking for it. This child struggles with all emotional control and will require some working on #chucklemums

  3. Quite right you are on this topic! They (whomever they are) should give us some sort of badge for successfully riddingthe little buggers of their inner hannibal lecter! #chucklemums

  4. I’m so glad it’s not just my kids! They are all little psychopaths, aren’t they? My kids are repeat offenders for superficial charm and irrational behaviour, I’ll have to keep an any on them!
    (on a side note, have you read The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson? All I do is psychopath spot now, you might like it!)


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