Confessions of a Terrible Mum(zilla)

Forgive me, Social Media, for I have sinned.

I have committed the sin of using chocolate as both bribe and distraction whenever I need to do something, or get some peace and quiet.

I have committed the sin of letting my child stay up late watching a movie, because I could not face the hassle of getting him to bed at a reasonable hour.

I have committed the sin of comparing my child to children portrayed on other parenting blogs and feeling hard done by, and possibly of wishing zits upon the noses of their mothers.

I have committed the sin of referring to my child as a little shitbag out of earshot when he has been winding me up all day.

I have committed the sin of threatening my child with “God is watching you!”, even though I am a borderline athiest.

I have committed the sin of shutting myself in the toilet and playing Panda Pop just to get five minutes to myself.

I have committed the sin of wishing I was like other mothers who think the sun shines out of their offspring’s bottoms, when the only things that comes out of my child’s rear end are the most despicably smelly popoffs.

In the name of the Facebook, the Twitter, and the Holy Instagram, Post.

perfect mother

60 thoughts on “Confessions of a Terrible Mum(zilla)

  1. Hahaha you’re practically angelic.
    I don’t know anyone that has never referred to their cherub as a shitbag. As long as you’re not screaming it in their face I think you’re ok.
    BTW let me know who the perfect bloggers are so I can avoid those 😉

  2. Haaa! All sounds very normal to me – well done for being out of earshot I say! I may be guilty of muttering it as I leave a room and possibly not definitely entirely out of earshot. Oops. Oooo I do hope I’m one of the perfect bloggers you are referring to, I fear it is dismally unlikely but wouldn’t that be great! Disaster zone but giving off an aura of joy and peace and codswallop #triballove

  3. Haha I do so very much enjoy reading your musings!

    Who is perfect? I have committed the sin of allowing my child to eat nothing but banana, chocolate and peas for three days straight as its the only thing she hadnt thrown straight onto the floor…so definitely not perfect over here! Haha!

    Lu xx


  4. Definitely done the bedtime thing. Never understood those people who said bedtime is their favourite time to spend with the kids reading stories and cuddles . Always been an unutterable nightmare for me !

  5. Hahaha, I have written a post about picture perfect Instagram mothers for this week. This was not prompted by the fact that this week it has looked like I had the channel islands growing on my chin. The biggest one was nicknamed Barry by my husbad whilst my children just kept shouting “urgh what is up with your chin mummy! What is that growing on your chin mummy! Why are they so big mummy!” Yep, I feel your pain and I am stood right next to you! 😉

  6. Yup, this sounds familiar. I use corn snacks instead of chocolate to bribe/distract the Popple, but it’s the same idea, really. And I shut myself in the toilet several times a day to check Twitter for 5 minutes. Ah, bliss. #triballove

  7. Haha just brilliant! I have on many occasion, called my darling sibling/ nieces/nephews little shitbags Thanks for yet another funny post! 🙂 xxx #TribalLove

  8. Haha! Loved this Zilla. Especially the children portrayed on other blogs (I’m assuming not mine!) and threatening a child with God. Gave a a giggle on my way to work this morning. #tribe

  9. Oh my goodness I love it. Hey most of us have committed these “sins”. I think it’s just part of parenthood. I’m terrible at using iPad time to get some things done or stop a tantrum in its tracks. Thanks for making me smile#TribalLove

  10. Apologies that I have made you feel like this “I have committed the sin of comparing my child to children portrayed on other parenting blogs and feeling hard done by” – I’m waiting for the zit! I jest! very entertaining and I have so done the toilet. door shut. candy crush downloaded and chill – how bad is my parenting?! #triballove x

  11. Haha, yep…I realised the other day that I am getting into a regular habit of using bribes in order to get stuff done…go for a wee wee for a jellybaby…put your shoes on for a chocolate button…brush your teeth for an icecream…oh wait, you can’t brush your teeth after ice-cream, dammit…
    I also didn’t swear until I had children.
    The other day i said to my daughter “are you going to put your coat on?” *mutter* “or just piss around?” the answer: “pish around mummy!” Oh dear.

  12. lol – at least you wait till they are out of earshot before you call them names! told the teen she was being an arsehole the other day and she looked at me like I had just taken her iphone6+ and chucked it down the toilet i.e.: end of the world look! we’re all sinners chick! #chucklemums

    1. Haha! I can still remember the first time I heard my Mum swear my ears nearly fell off. Thanks for commenting xx

  13. What a TERRIBLE mother! This is shocking.
    Just kidding, obvs! These all sound like a standard day in the life of being mum to me – and I reckon I could add a few more sins too.. Loved this #chucklemums

  14. Oh never fear…I have said sh*t head in earshot…numerous times. Not my finest moments, but I will pray to the Facebook, the Twitter and the Holy Instagram for forgiveness. #chucklemums

  15. Ha ha ha, oh my goodness, I think you’re not alone in your guilt! Love the fact you lock yourself in the loo. My parents are guilty of putting me in front of the shelves and letting me pull the DVDs off one by one just to keep me occupied. A mother’s got to do what a mother’s got to do 😉 x #chucklemums

  16. If there’s a parent who hasn’t occasionally referred to their child as a right little whatmit or hidden in the loo or the bathroom because they’re the only places with locks, then I’m not sure I want to meet them! You’re normal 🙂

  17. We could definitely be friends! While I don’t practice any religion, and God willing, hope never to again in the future – my children will arrive at school only having known Jesus, God and Holy as operative words in swearing. And when it comes to chocolate – I use that to fuel myself incrementally throughout the day 😉

  18. Forgive me. For I have also committed all these sins (though not Panda Pop – never heard of it – off to search in the App Store – totally blaming you if I become addicted). I hope that we all do these things – it’ll make me feel soooo much better about my inadequate parenting #chucklemums

  19. Very funny. With you all the way! Loving Popoff, it sounds so nice and not at all what it actually is. I have been known to lock myself in the loo and pick my split ends for as long as possible (for relaxation purposes), at least you were getting to the next level on Panda Pop! (also not down enough with the kids to know what that is!!) #chucklemums

  20. Haha – I’m pretty sure these perfect parents are crying into a half-eaten cheesecake somewhere. The Child has been known to try and bribe me with chocolate so it shows how often I use that trick! #chucklemums

  21. OH you are obviously a horrendous mother. And I have NEVER used the word ‘shitbag’ or locked myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes (lie. lie. lie). I would also love to know who the perfect parents are. I’m sure they’re all having quiet breakdowns somewhere. #chucklemums

  22. My 2yo has recently taken to walking around muttering “fucksake” to himself…so no perfect parenting coming from this direction (as you would probably already guess!)

  23. Haha this is he real side of Instagram that no one wants anyone to see. No one posts the crappy days, the tantrums, the messy house. You’ll never see any photos of me (looking old), my house (turned into a kid zone) or my ‘outfit of the day’ (covered in spit up). I often look at those picture perfect images with envy and then realise for every beautiful shot that was taken, there’s a kid just waiting impatiently for someone to put the camera down and play with them. Sometimes I do LOL

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