People who already have children are occasionally guilty of telling
massive lies small untruths about the realities of parenthood. I’m pretty sure this isn’t done on purpose, or as some bizarre hazing, or to, you know, trick you into having children. But it happens. Grandchildren-greedy parents can be especially guilty of these.
I personally have heard, and therefore decided to debunk for the sake of humanity, these particular fibs. Please note the heavy dosage of sarcasm here, and this disclaimer: I do actually love being a parent most of the time. But still…
It’s lovely having children, they complete you!
If by complete we mean add hitherto unseen stress, annoyance and complete lack of lie-ins for approximately 15 years then yes, they totally complete you! You don’t need those lazy, loved up brunches! You want to be scraping weetabix off a high chair or sitting in a baby swimming pool that you suspect is actually 87% wee on the weekend! It’s brilliant trying to wrangle a job and the school run! It is entirely possible to have a complete and fulfilling life sans children I’m sure.
Labour doesn’t hurt that much, you’ll soon forget about it!
Yes I’ve TOTALLY forgotten the sensation of squeezing a watermelon out of my private areas! It was so empowering having three different hands up the foof checking proceedings! I now have no dignity OR shame, it’s brilliant!
They usually start sleeping through the night at about 6 weeks
They’ll be out of nappies at 18 months if you train them properly
I was wiping another person’s rear end for nearly THREE years. We nearly went bankrupt with the chocolate button bribery funding.
You don’t know what love is until you have a child
No, you don’t know what the love you have for a child is. Don’t patronise all the non-parents out there that the love in their life isn’t real, it is. But yes, the love for your children is different. It’s a love that endures exasperation, irritation, pain, deprivation, everything life can throw at you. Little buggers!
This blog first appeared on The Huffington Post