Inner Monologue of Paw Patrol

Let me set the scene: the boy is feeling slightly off colour, and wants to do nothing but snuggle on the sofa and watch telly. I need to be getting on with some work on the laptop, so I’m happy to let him loose on Netflix: Kids. Friends, he chooses Paw Patrol. 


What fresh hell is this.

*Attempts to answer emails*

Does this child live on his own with a pack of anthropomorphised hounds? Why are they wearing uniforms? That’s one weird fucking fetish, cartoon creators.

*Attempts to draft blog post*

What is wrong with the mayor? I’m all over the gender and racial diversity here, but how did a clearly mad person get to be in a position of authority in this town. She has a pet chicken. She seems worryingly obsessed with said feathery friend. Who can’t talk – why can the dogs talk but not the chicken? That hardly seems fair. Right, the Paw Patrol have rescued a giant golden statue…of the chicken. This is clearly a misuse of council funds. No wonder the light house keeps breaking.

*Gives up entirely on any pretence at work, becomes riveted by the utter ridiculousness*

Why is this child Ryder not in school? Grown adults keep ringing him up to rescue them. That’s not a formal education in my book. How on earth has this moron managed to crash his boat onto some clearly visible rocks? I’m sorry, but calling your boat “Flounder” is just asking for trouble isn’t it.

Oh it’s ok, no job too big no pup too small! Those uniforms do not look comfortable. This is animal cruelty plain and simple. And why is there only one girl dog? Sexists. Although she’s the pilot at least, I suppose that’s something…Wait a minute, those slides look unsafe! What’s wrong with the lift they came up in? You can’t fling a dog into a vehicle like that! Where is the Health and Safety Executive when you need them?

Right, so apparently Cap’n Moron “forgot” the rocks were there. That enormous, jaggedy pile of rocks. As you do. Is Adventure Bay a colony for idiots? Ruled by a boy who never changes his clothes? Wait, what? WHY IS THERE A WALRUS ON THAT BOAT. I notice he can’t talk either.

Seriously, are the kids of today going to go to university and have long, drunken conversations of how brilliant the cartoons they used to watch were? How funny the one was where Rubble was found just STUCK UP A TREE? No of course they aren’t.

Paw Patrol is a pile of crap. Dog crap. I need to download some ThunderCats – now there’s a REAL cartoon, about talking…cat people…oh wait…


16 thoughts on “Inner Monologue of Paw Patrol

  1. OMG it’s like your inside my head when Mimi decides it’s a good idea to get up a bit early so daddy sticks this shit on so we can have an extra 10mins – it’s really not worth the brain rot. There is another girl dog apparently called Everest – my FiL told me, he watches it with my niece, or at least that’s what he said!

  2. I’ve completely missed Paw Patrol. Like Elf on the Shelf. You know you’re getting older when this years toys and the world of children’s tv makes no sense at all. But thank goodness. If its a pile of crap I’m relieved. The only good thing to come out of my dog dying. Jo #Chucklemums

  3. I’m so glad I don’t have to suffer what my kids watch any more – I’d have to be watching, ‘Dance Mums’ and back to back police shows. I did my time with Teletubbies and that was bad. Alison x #Chucklemums

  4. I totally showed my kids some Thundercats on the yoobtube a while back just so I could show them what we had in my day! They weren’t impressed! But they did like it that the sicky kid at my school got the chant ‘chundercats, chundercats…you know the rest. My 7 year old is into Paw Patrol but luckily the older one doesn’t allow it screen time, but dare I say, is it marginally more bearable than Bubble Guppies??? #chucklemums

  5. It’s just not Superted is it now really? Is is bad that I know my kids quite like it and I kind of know the theme tune, but otherwise I have absolutely no clue what goes on beyond the annoying soundtrack? Thanks for enlightening me! 😉 Thanks for hosting #chucklemums! I’ll miss it! x

  6. Lol I think this when watching Fireman Sam. How such a village of morons and kids that should be in juvenile prison survive, I don’t know! Cartoons these days have nothing on Button Moon! #chucklemums

  7. I have seen the merchandise everywhere but not experienced this doggy do myself. Thanks for the laugh and the warning. Yes! Get your kid on Thundercats. I will miss #chucklemums. But I’ll have to keep reading your monologues.

  8. Oooh now there’s a love story too – the girl who runs the grooming parlour totally wants to get it on with Ryder. Also, did you encounter Captain Turbot? Like Where’s Wally with an anxiety disorder / crack habit. #Chucklemums

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