Let me set the scene: the boy is feeling slightly off colour, and wants to do nothing but snuggle on the sofa and watch telly. I need to be getting on with some work on the laptop, so I’m happy to let him loose on Netflix: Kids. Friends, he chooses Paw Patrol.
PAW PATROL PAW PATROL THEY’LL BE THERE ON THE DOUBLE PAW PATROL PAW PATROL WHEN EVER YOU’RE IN TROUBLE. NO JOB TOO BIG NO PUP TOO SMALL, PAW PATROL ARE ON A ROLL!
What fresh hell is this.
*Attempts to answer emails*
Does this child live on his own with a pack of anthropomorphised hounds? Why are they wearing uniforms? That’s one weird fucking fetish, cartoon creators.
*Attempts to draft blog post*
What is wrong with the mayor? I’m all over the gender and racial diversity here, but how did a clearly mad person get to be in a position of authority in this town. She has a pet chicken. She seems worryingly obsessed with said feathery friend. Who can’t talk – why can the dogs talk but not the chicken? That hardly seems fair. Right, the Paw Patrol have rescued a giant golden statue…of the chicken. This is clearly a misuse of council funds. No wonder the light house keeps breaking.
*Gives up entirely on any pretence at work, becomes riveted by the utter ridiculousness*
Why is this child Ryder not in school? Grown adults keep ringing him up to rescue them. That’s not a formal education in my book. How on earth has this moron managed to crash his boat onto some clearly visible rocks? I’m sorry, but calling your boat “Flounder” is just asking for trouble isn’t it.
Oh it’s ok, no job too big no pup too small! Those uniforms do not look comfortable. This is animal cruelty plain and simple. And why is there only one girl dog? Sexists. Although she’s the pilot at least, I suppose that’s something…Wait a minute, those slides look unsafe! What’s wrong with the lift they came up in? You can’t fling a dog into a vehicle like that! Where is the Health and Safety Executive when you need them?
Right, so apparently Cap’n Moron “forgot” the rocks were there. That enormous, jaggedy pile of rocks. As you do. Is Adventure Bay a colony for idiots? Ruled by a boy who never changes his clothes? Wait, what? WHY IS THERE A WALRUS ON THAT BOAT. I notice he can’t talk either.
Seriously, are the kids of today going to go to university and have long, drunken conversations of how brilliant the cartoons they used to watch were? How funny the one was where Rubble was found just STUCK UP A TREE? No of course they aren’t.
Paw Patrol is a pile of crap. Dog crap. I need to download some ThunderCats – now there’s a REAL cartoon, about talking…cat people…oh wait…