Warning: This post may make you feel slightly ill…
Recently, the Mumzilla household has been mired in a fog of gruesome stench. The boy has decided that farting is THE most hilarious thing on the planet. It never ends. His backside could out-parp a brass band. I’m having nightmares about him going on Britain’s Got Talent and trumping “God Save The Queen” and rendering the entire audience unconscious.
I’ll be the first to admit that a pop-off can be funny. A friend’s boyfriend once fell asleep on the sofa, then half slid off and did a massive one waking himself up. We nearly died trying not to laugh.
I don’t think I’d mind so much if it wasn’t so relentless. He asked me a while ago how many farts people do in a year (about 5000 apparently) and then insisted on a run through the entire family working out how many times each of them must have done a fire-pop. Great Nanny has been credited with an impressive 480,340. I’m pretty sure Rian has done that many in the past week.
As is my wont, I decided to ask the general (blogging) public for help and advice and any stories that would make me feel better, or give me hope.
Well, it turns out there is NO hope for me – apparently the guffs will just increase in ferocity as he gets older, and they never stop being funny. But here are some stories from other parents that made me feel better (or worse!)
“Enjoy the five year old boy farts, because when they’re 16, 13 & 11 it’s less like fog and more like being nuked.” – Mama Owl Blog
“We were at diggerland one day and my 3 year old daughter ran up to he Dad and said “Daddy, Daddy, smell my fingers!” For reasons best known to himself, he did and, after recoiling in disgust, he asked her what it was and she told him “I put my hands in my knickers and did a bum noise (fart)!” She was very pleased with herself. Farting is not just for the boys! – Mumpreneur Inspiration
“Whilst Teaching Reception class, I had a really important observation by the head teacher and the local authority early years leader – I’d planned a really engaging activity that I was about to introduce on the carpet and when the ‘wow’ moment came, I was instead interrupted by a huge fart from one of the little darlings. Complete chaos ensued whereby the whole class erupted into a discussion about whodoneit and all of the different words to describe it (trump, pump, blown off, aireypoo…) before I was saved by the little girl at the front who stood up and exclaimed , “what does Mrs H say??! It doesn’t matter who trumped, all you need to do is say Pardon Me!” … a tiny voice piped up in the corner “pardon me”…it took all of my strength not to laugh” – Arthur Wears
“In Danish a fart is called a ‘prut’ so a bit like the sound it makes” – ScandiMummy
“My little boy “farted” in the queue in Starbucks, he’s only 3. When I asked him if it was him (knowing it was) he said it wasn’t and that it was the man in front, because the noise was so loud and his bottom was huge. Mortified doesn’t cover it! It’s not like he said it quietly!” – Wishes & Wellies
“Max is a bit obsessed with what he likes to call the “drop and run”. It normally happens in the evening when we think he’s asleep. He will sneak into the lounge, stand behind the sofa and fart, then run away to bed. What’s left can only be described as the smell of death. He’s 6 and mega proud!” Max & Mummy
“One of my kids had a bit of an upset tummy once and farted. He then disappeared. When I went to find him in the bathroom he was on the toilet and just stared at me and said, “I trusted my fart too much” as he pointed at his pants with a shit in them. The old adage of never trust a fart is spot on.
PS: My eldest now calls farts Donald’s because of Trump – Life Is Knutts
When my eldest was younger he was complaining of having tummy ache. “Maybe you just need to trump?” I told him. He stood there in the kitchen trying to force one out, with way too much force, and a big solid poo fell out of his shorts onto the floor!! The worst part was that our dog pounced on it, and ATE IT!!!! – Five Little Doves
Well, that’s a catalogue of revoltingness for you isn’t it? Have you got any pimping party stories?