How Motherhood Taught Me To Give Zero F**ks

Don’t you just love the expression I give zero fucks? Maybe not if you aren’t a swearer, but as someone who is rather fond of letting off some blue steam now and again, I appreciate it. Especially in response to something really annoying.

There are a lot of things I cared about pre-parenthood that I can now give zero fucks about. Here are some of my favourites:

My waistline

Sometimes I find myself at the hell hole that is the gym giving my gut the side eye in the mirrors but then I sternly tell myself – I made a baby, I’m allowed to have less definition than I used to. The most important people in my life couldn’t give a crap that I don’t have abs you could grate cheese on. Well, it’s possible that one of them *might* prefer a more sylph-like wife, but he’s sensible enough to keep those opinions to himself.

Taking up the pavement

Unless I see a white cane, I’m going to assume you have working eyeballs and can just GET OUT OF THE WAY when you see me sweating up the hill pushing an oversized lazy ass kid who doesn’t want to walk anywhere. I am big enough to see, and you are spritely enough to move. Any tutting will be met with my DEATH STARE.

Helicopter Parenting

Just leave the little buggers alone. I used to follow mine round the park anxiously, terrified he was going to fling himself off all the equipment. Then my sister took him to the park, and let him do everything by himself INCLUDING the fireman’s pole and he didn’t catapult over the fence and into the road or anything. So now, zero fucks given about playtime – I read my magazine and have a coffee while he burns off some never-ending energy while I can keep half an eye on him.

Other People’s Opinions

I really, really could not care less that you think babies should be weaned at 4 months and given only puree until they are one. I’m positive that I don’t give a shit that your kid was potty trained at 2 (though that might be a shit your kid has just done in the soft play dude) I’m sure controlled crying worked just fine for you, but as much as a ball ache it was, I couldn’t face the screeching and just fed the little toerag on demand, including night times when quite frankly I could have chucked him out the window rather than get out of bed again.

School Gate Fashion

I am never, ever going to wear a pair of high heels to pick my kid up from school. Mainly because I hate high heels and never wear the bastards anyway, but also because how do you chase a 5 year old scooter-maniac up a hill with heels on? Why don’t you want to be comfortable? Ditto make up – it’s only other Mum’s, they know perfectly well how knackered and stressed we all are. Just relax and spend the extra time collapsed on the sofa like I do. Winning. (I would like a disclaimer here: if you like high heels and make up then please do keep doing your thing, you look gorgeous, I’m just a lazy bitch)

Recommended Daily Alcohol Units

Seriously, just stick them up your bum sideways. If I’ve had a horrible, shrieky, homework/dinner/teethbrush refusing day, I am having a glass of wine and I am NOT going to feel guilty about it. I might even have two. If I’m being brutally honest, I’m pretty sure I gave zero fucks about this one pre-parenthood as well. Ahem.

 

What do you no longer give any fucks about?

38 thoughts on “How Motherhood Taught Me To Give Zero F**ks

  1. I could have written this. Well apart from the gym thing as I’m writing this in he gym. I couldn’t give a shit if I’m in my gym gear and no makeup at the school gates and hate he people who walk in front of me with the pushchair and accidentally might ram people’s ankles if they annoy me. #chucklemums

  2. I have a very limited number of fucks to give and I generally save them for special occasions. Gym and booze limits were never really on my radar pre-fatherhood though to be fair. Ditto for heels and make-up!! #chucklemums

  3. Hell yes to there zero fucks. I like swearing too, and wine, hell I often need wine just for surviving another day! Also people of pavements and people with doors – my biggest peeve I have two babies and a massive double Pram, seriously it is easier for you to move, or just be a nice person and hold the door open instead of watching me struggle! #chucklemums

  4. This is damn funny! On board with EVERY. SINGLE. ONE! Taking up the pavement? Brilliant! I’m guilty of apologising to strangers on this one. Well not any more, people, not any more. Struggle to wear heels on a night out, never mind at the school gates! Hats off to anyone who can be bothered… #chucklemums

  5. This is damn funny! On board with EVERY. SINGLE. ONE! Taking up the pavement? Brilliant! I’m guilty of apologising to strangers on this one. Well not any more, people, not any more. Struggle to wear heels on a night out, never mind at the school gates! Hats off to anyone who can be bothered… #chucklemums

  6. I have a new little theme tune which seems to pop into my head at various intervals during the parenting day. It goes to the tune of “Hit me with your rhythm stick” (yes. I’m that old), but I very cleverly *coughs* change the lyrics to “Ask me if I give a shit! Ask me…. Ask me….” It is usually accompanied with a little wiggle of my wobbly ass which I also give zero fucks about. Loved. This. Post. #chucklemums x

  7. My favourite thing to say to pavement hoggers who have no intention of moving is “You need to move because my child has a lot longer still to live than you, you old fart” I usually only whip this line out at certain times of the month!

  8. I am struggling hard with the waistline stuff at the moment. I really don’t want to care but then I catch a look at someone toned and long for it knowing I will never ever look like that. Hell, I wouldn’t have before! Great post. My daughter is just one so a glimpse of what’s to come! #chucklemums

  9. I give zero fucks about answering the front door looking like I don’t actually belong to the house… or any house… more like my home is a shopping trolley under a canal bridge. I used to rather go to the central collection centre for a parcel than open the door looking unkempt but since the second baby arrived I just point to the Weetabix on my leggings and point to the culprit, then sign in the box. Zero fucks given. Xx

  10. Oh my word I LOVE THIS. I was reading it and going ‘yessssss’ in my head. Since having my bubs, I am completely giving zero fucks what anyone thinks – especially about my distinct lack of flat tum (bought a hold-it-all-in swimsuit for hols and carried on eating – sod the bikini diet!) Reading a book at the moment called ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving A Fuck’ which is awesome and is definitely making me think about not worrying about silly stuff. You’re also so right on the recommended daily amount – I’m having a couple of vinos tonight – and probably half a pound of chocolate too. 😉 #chucklemums

  11. I had a similar helicopter moment in a park with my sister, she let my daughter do all manner of stuff – on her own! I realised my *actual* flapping propeller arms and worrying wasn’t necessary. Too right – to ‘Other people’s opinions’ what’s the point of worrying about what other parents are worrying about- just dull. Your observations on this made for very funny reading! You always cut through the crap with the sharpest pizza wheel wit! x #chucklemums

  12. I’m definitely giving no fucks about what other people think. I know my daughter best and I’m quite happy with the choices i’ve made for her, thank you very much.

    Also giving zero fucks about alcohol units, because some days you just NEED WINE. #chucklemums

  13. I agree with every ounce of my soul. I’m also giving zero fucks about confronting dickheads to park their white van over two thirds of the pavement, so that I can’t get through with the pram. #chucklemums

  14. I get so annoyed by other helicopter parents trying to helicopter parent the Child and then keep giving me sideways glances when I am giving zero fucks. It’s like ‘dude if you want to parent my child be my guest, I’m going to sit on this bench and look at Facebook’. #chucklemums

  15. I give zero fucks about what anyone thinks about my childcare set up – sorry; just a particular bugbear this week. It seems that taking my children to a childminder (whom they LOVE by the way) for two days and nursery for the other two I work isn’t really ‘homely’ enough and I am ‘missing out’ (or they are – can’t remember; I was seeing too much red to be listening properly) by not having grandparental help. Not my fault, mate – try having in-laws who live the other side of the world and parents who are sailing all the time. BUTT OUT! (Sorry. caught me on a bad day). Love the alcohol units one. Ditto. xx #chucklemums

  16. I completely agree with almost all of these – the only thing I’m struggling with is the helicopter parenting. I tried not to do it again at our Musical Minis class today, but if I hadn’t intervened when Little B started wielding the Giant Shaker in close proximity to a number of heads, I probably wouldn’t be able to go back for the rest of the term and that would be £40 down the tubes. I’ll try harder next time… #chucklemums

  17. Learning not to give a shit but it’s soooo hard! I’m getting there as with 4 yr old, 3yr old, 2yr old you have no time for any of it! Makeup is what I give zero fucks about …. I put a bit on to cover the bags but as for checking the final finish. No fucking idea…I could be going out like David bowie!!! Never mind. The push chair thing drove me wild…I had a double buggy and got fed up of politely asking people to move I just ended up ploughing through them ‘move bitches’. Loved reading x

  18. I give zero fucks *she says as she stuffs another muffin into her mouth*. I cancelled my gym membership this month because I realised that life was too short to pay to be made to feel guilty.Plus I couldn’t take the getting changed in the changing rooms anymore! #FridayFrolics

  19. The older I get, the more zero fucks I give about most things. Zero fucks is a fabulously slippery slope and I’m sliding down it: wheeeeeeee! Alison x #FridayFrolics

  20. I agree with all of these – especially the alcohol units and how I look plus now mine are teenagers I just don’t care what their friends think of me anymore. When they are young you are constantly trying to be the coolest mum but now it is irrelevant and the cooler you try to be the more stupid you look and the more embarrassed your kids are. #ablogginggoodtime

  21. Love this – something has definitely happened since becoming a mum as I just don’t give a shit what people think any more! Judgey pants away, but my family is how it is…brilliant post lovely and thank you for hosting #chucklemums x

  22. Love this! I’m definitely more laid back now I’m a mum and realise that some stuff just doesn’t matter. I do love a bit of make-up but heels are not at home on my feet! Thank good for alcohol! x #ablogginggoodtime

  23. Haha! Yes, I give no fucks about many of these too! Mostly the appearance related ones! I do have a tendency towards helicoptering as I’m a worrier. & I don’t drink at all, so technically I do comply with alcohol units, though not through giving a fuck about them!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.