Let me first describe my morning.
6.30am: Wake up
6.35am: Prise hayfever eyes open. Wonder if there is such thing as an eyelash comb.
6.57am: Heed the feed me hollers from the other room. Open back door to rolling heat.
7.15am: Stand under cold shower. Swear at shower for not actually being any colder than ‘tepid pond’ levels.
7.30am: Get barged out of shower by husband who accuses me of using all the cold water. Too hot for outrage at unfounded accusations.
7.45am: Search for shorts. Shorts don’t fit due to ice cream inhalations. Fucksake.
7.50am: Put on floaty maxi skirt.
8.05am: Take irritable, suncream smothered child to school. Assume dog has eaten said child’s sun hat. *side-eye dog*
8.15am: Attempt to peel floaty maxi skirt from thighs and bottom.
8:20am: *side-eye all the skinny, non-glowing uber Mums*
8:50am: Get home. Collapse on sofa with laptop and attempt to work
9.10am: Idly google “can u lose weight from boob sweat”
9:11am: Resolve never to google “boob” ever again
9:12am: Remove bra
9:15am: Move to different part of sofa
9:25am: Move again
9.28am: Eat Mars ice cream standing with head inside freezer.
And so forth. I nearly expired while putting the washing out.
So, my guide to surviving the heatwave?
- Move out. Children and husbands are unbearably annoying when hot.
- Replace meals with ice cream. You’ll lose weight through your armpits, it’s fine.
- Forgo underwear. It’s perfectly acceptable to ditch the overtheshoulderboulderholder in 30 degree plus weather. Let em swing free.
- Steal an electric fan. There’s bound to be one languishing in a cupboard at work somewhere.
- Sit in the bath until the weather breaks. Ignore all responsibilities until it’s an acceptable temperature again.
How do you cope with the heat?