Mumzilla’s Guide To Surviving a Heatwave

Let me first describe my morning.

6.30am: Wake up

6.35am: Prise hayfever eyes open. Wonder if there is such thing as an eyelash comb.

6.57am: Heed the feed me hollers from the other room. Open back door to rolling heat.

7.15am: Stand under cold shower. Swear at shower for not actually being any colder than ‘tepid pond’ levels.

7.30am: Get barged out of shower by husband who accuses me of using all the cold water. Too hot for outrage at unfounded accusations.

7.45am: Search for shorts. Shorts don’t fit due to ice cream inhalations. Fucksake.

7.50am: Put on floaty maxi skirt.

8.05am: Take irritable, suncream smothered child to school. Assume dog has eaten said child’s sun hat. *side-eye dog*

8.15am: Attempt to peel floaty maxi skirt from thighs and bottom.

8:20am: *side-eye all the skinny, non-glowing uber Mums*

8:50am: Get home. Collapse on sofa with laptop and attempt to work

9.10am: Idly google “can u lose weight from boob sweat”

9:11am: Resolve never to google “boob” ever again

9:12am: Remove bra

9:15am: Move to different part of sofa

9:25am: Move again

9.28am: Eat Mars ice cream standing with head inside freezer.

 

And so forth. I nearly expired while putting the washing out.

So, my guide to surviving the heatwave?

  1. Move out. Children and husbands are unbearably annoying when hot.
  2. Replace meals with ice cream. You’ll lose weight through your armpits, it’s fine.
  3. Forgo underwear. It’s perfectly acceptable to ditch the overtheshoulderboulderholder in 30 degree plus weather. Let em swing free.
  4. ย Steal an electric fan. There’s bound to be one languishing in a cupboard at work somewhere.
  5. Sit in the bath until the weather breaks. Ignore all responsibilities until it’s an acceptable temperature again.

How do you cope with the heat?

12 thoughts on “Mumzilla’s Guide To Surviving a Heatwave

  1. Wow, it is so funny, we moan when it is cold and are desperate for it to be warmer. And today, OMG I am really struggling!! I had forgotten about the dreaded hayfever and the bloody suncream! #ablogginggoodtime

  2. Didnโ€™t think Iโ€™d be clicking on this for inspiration in April! Will definitely try the ice cream diet and see if it works… #ablogginggoodtime

  3. Again I’ve chosen to be pregnant in the summer. Why? I suffered quite a bit yesterday but I’ve bought some slip on shoes so I can ditch the boots (until next week when it rains again) and our freezer is stocked with ice cream and ice lollies. Thankfully, our flat has stayed relatively cool so far! #ablogginggoodtime

  4. You are hysterical, and I cannot wait to complain about the heat. It is so damned cold here, the winter that won’t quit! In fact, I will not complain about the heat at all. I will love it! #ablogginggoodtime sending cool breezes your way! xoxo

  5. Laughed out loud at this! I don’t actually mind the heat – I’m one of those people who is always cold so a heatwave means I’m just slightly less cold! #ablogginggoodtime

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