The Grades of Embarrassment

I’ve mentioned before that having children (and by that I mean the birthing part) pretty much strips you of all your dignity. There is no shame after hands have been where they have no right to be.

An utter lack of shame or dignity isn’t quite the same as the capacity for embarrassment. My ever loving son has a unique ability to make my face go so red I feel like my ears are about to burn off.

Here are a few ways in which he has achieved ear-sausage status:

The Time My Boob Fell Out:
This might not exactly be the boys fault. It was in the early days, when he was starting to get really interested in things. Like curtains. I was feeding him when the postman knocked. I got up – still feeding like a maestro – and answered the door. Boy decided postman was very interesting. Postman did not know where to put his eyes. “Oh, what a lovely…baby…ah” Ear sizzle grade 3/10

The Other Postman Incident
I was attempting to feed the boy some unidentifiable mush and he made his displeasure known by releasing a massive amount of his own special – and very identifiable – mush, straight out the sides of his nappy and all over his highchair. I had just finished changing him when the door went. Postman again. I see him wrinkle his nose. His eyes drift down and rapidly shoot up again. Turns out I have a trail of poo the entire length of my leg. Ear sizzle grade 6/10.

The Time He Couldn’t Say Clock.

The boy had a lovely toddler lisp, as many toddlers are wont to have in order to pretend they are darling little creatures when they are in fact demons hell-bent on cooking your ears. This time I was pushing the boy through the churchyard, past an elderly congregation, when he started thrashing about in the pushchair pointing upwards and suddenly yelled “COCK! MUMMY BIG COCK!” Ear sizzle grade 7/10

The Barber Shop Queue

I take the boys to a local barbers. You can’t book, so sometimes you have to queue. He’d actually waited really patiently for a good half hour before getting ants in his pant. A man stands up for his turn. He’s slightly follicly challenged. Boy – just out of arms reach – shouts “Why is that man here? HE HASN’T EVEN GOT ANY HAIR!” Ear sizzle grade 8/10

The Cinema Popcorn Shame
I decided to take the boy to the cinema one rainy day. It was pretty busy. Being a miser, I snuck in some snacks to keep him quiet while we watched the film. It had just started, a hush had fallen, I pass the boy some crisps and he suddenly shouts “Mummy, what’s this?! I wanted COCKPORN!” ……….Ear sizzle grade 157/10.


This post was first published on the Huffington Post. Yes really!


Island Living 365
Life Love and Dirty Dishes

33 thoughts on “The Grades of Embarrassment

  1. Haha, very funny, especially the clock!! Our youngest’s nickname is Boo or Boobie, yes really. But even worse is that for ages Boo/Youngest thought Oldest was called ‘willy’. We don’t know where this came from…but one day we were at the park and Youngest shouted to her sister “come over here, come and play with me Willy” to which her Oldest sister replied “shut it Boobie, my name is not Willy!” Yes, there were disgusted looks from the other Mummies and we had to leave pronto!

  2. Haha, very funny indeed. Poor postman or should I say lucky postman 😉 I love the clock incident and cockporn is just too funny. Thank you Ryan for providing your mother with great writing material 🙂 #triballove

  3. I’m pretty sure I used to call it cockporn too haha! I don’t know how I’ve managed to get through parenting thus far without too much embarrassment from Mini’s part! Lucy xx #triballove

  4. I have to admit I’d rather enjoyed the stage where the Child pronounce ‘fork’ like ‘fuck’. Nothing like scandaliding a few old people in M&S to get you through. Also remember many a ‘boob’ incident. Pretty sure there’s no delivery person in Liverpool who hasn’t seen my puppies! #chucklemums

  5. Cockporn!! Teaching kids to say fork is always a good one. Especially when they proudly pick it up in a restaurant and loudly shout “fork” but it sounds far more like something else! #chucklemums

    1. Haha, they are brilliant and they always look so pleased with themselves at that age when they think they know a word for something!! 🙂

  6. Hahaha! This is absolutely brilliant, but I really do feel for you and your ears sizzling so much. My little boys got me into a few ear sizzle situations in the past and the ground never swallows you up like you’d like it to. Kids eh #chucklemums

  7. I am so glad I am not the only person to have flashed a delivery man on the doorstep thanks to breastfeeding. But cockporn is brilliant! I may call it that from now on. #chucklemums

  8. I think we get our own back and embarrass them when they’re older….or at least my parents certainly gave it a good go! We too have had several mispronunciations which have led to some beetroot faced moments. Ah kids! #chucklemums

  9. I’m so glad you’re writing these down as a) we can all have a laugh and b) you will forget them if you don’t. Your kids will love hearing all this when they are older 🙂 Alison x #chucklemums

  10. Pahahahaha!!!!!!!! Brilliant!
    My toddler is also having a cock instead of clock phase – i love it however, amuses me on a daily basis 😉
    As for the postman – I bet you’re his favourite person to deliver to…Postman Pat wouldn’t know what to do with himself 😉

  11. Ha! I sympathise entirely. Took my 1 yr old swimming today then popped into town for supplies. Only realised when I got home that my top was tucked into my (visible above trousers) pants. Can’t really blame the baby for that one though….#chucklemums

  12. Totes hilaire, I loved the way you set the pace and built the embarrassment factor up to – off the scale. Thank god for blogs because you’ll be able to whip this out at his 18th, 21st, engagement party ? and or wedding speech! The word popcorn will never be the same for me now! #chucklemums

  13. Oh I’d love to borrow your son and aim him at certain people who need telling, though we have one of our own and your No. 1 happened to me too. Also the time he asked out loud why i wrote Cont /… at the bottom of first page of letter. Except CONT wasnt the word he used. Jo x #chucklemums

  14. Brilliant, and I thought the newborn stage was the hard part! I’ve all these delights ahead. Your son really does have a way with words!!! #chucklemums

  15. Our little one appears to have grown out of ‘f#ck it, daddy’ instead of thank you, and ‘sh#t’ instead of shorts. Shame really – was part of his charm!! #chucklemums

  16. Ha ha, we had cockporn too… so funny. And massive c(l)ock.
    My favourite, though, though not strictly rude (just sounds like it should be), was when my then-3 year old shouted “Look Mummy – A MASSIVE ANCHOR” when out and about at the quayside….

  17. Haha this is brilliant, can’t wait for this stage. I wish I could get away with some of these sayings. A child says cockporn and its funny. I say it and I’m weird.

  18. Back again and I feel for your postman! Do you still have the same postman? I am going to the cinema tonight – note to self “don’t ask for cockporn” 🙂 #FridayFrolics

  19. Haha – brilliant! Aren’t kids great? We’ve had the big cocks here too – why can none of them say clock??

    Thanks so much for linking with #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time.

  20. Been there too with the clock! Of course they do it deliberately. It’s all part of the toughening up process so we don’t mind so much when they leave home. #chucklemums

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