The Inner Monologue of An Unfit Mother

*warning might contain swearing*

No, not that sort of unfit. I’m not the best but I’m not that bad. I mean the huffing and puffing red face sort of unfit. The getting a bit podgy and too fond of my sofa arse-groove unfit.

I did a gym class today. Here’s my inner monologue.

“Ok here we are, made it to the class not bad going, not bad.

Right what’s this one about then. Oh, mats, OK there are mats being dealt out. Oh, and weights, OK this might be fun. Everyone is putting them to one side. OK, these are mine. I’ll put my water bottle on mine, OK OK.

Oh I like this song. Man that instructor is skinny. I wish I had a bottom like two eggs in a sock.

Shit, shit SHIT this is aerobics! They didn’t say aerobics, it said “Total Body Conditioning” on the website. Bugger, I hope I don’t kick a granny in the foof again.

Right, grape. Grape. GRAPEVINE. Yes I can do this. Kick yes that’s OK. I’m doing it! Yes! Wait shit what’s that one? Bugger why does everyone else know what they are doing.

God I’m getting a bit hot now. What’s that on my top? Shit! That’s shit! A bollocking bird has crapped on me and I’m doing fricking aerobics! How did I not notice before? Bloody birds!!! Better buy a lottery ticket.

I’d like to win the lottery I’d just get lipo…oh crap, was that her foot??

Oh god I hate this. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do aerobics , I am less coordinated than a three legged giraffe on LSD. What is a shuffle? What is a box step? Why am I completely out of sync with everyone? Why do I do this to myself…

Mat time, thank god, surely we sit down now.

Oh no, squats first. Great. With weights. What on earth is she doing with the weights? I’m not doing that it looks filthy! Dirty cow I bet she’s doing that on purpose and laughing at all us porkers looking like we’re over-excited to see the dumbells.

Yes! Laying down time. Is she watching? No good. I’ll skive for a bit. What shall we have for dinner. No, haven’t got that. Nope. Right baked potatoes it is then.

Everyone is getting up. I hope we aren’t doing any more…oh crap. Now it’s YOGA. Great. I’m about as flexible as Big Ben. Nope, not going to bend to there. Or there…oh my god, why are there so many mirrors in here? My face looks like a baboons arse. Why am I doing this. I’ll only end up buying one of those Giant American Calorie-Laden Cookies on the way out. I bet they only sell them here to make people keep coming back. Sadists.

Hurrah! It’s over and I only kicked one person and not in the fanny this time. Improvement. Getting fit is easy!”

aerobics
Aerobics. Otherwise known as don’t-kick-a-granny-in-the-foof (again)

 

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
Cuddle Fairy

114 thoughts on “The Inner Monologue of An Unfit Mother

  1. Ahahaha amazing! I am also entirely uncoordinated AND unfit!! I just don’t even attempt to join these things. I used to do an exercise video that my mum had bought in the 90s, loved the grapevine – mg sister and I drunkenly tried to incorporate it into a dance when we were in a bar once. Oh dear…

  2. Hahaahahahaha this is brilliant. I once made the mistake of going to a body pump because I thought “ooh that sounds fun and not too much work” it was fecking lifting weights, HEAVY weights to music. I could have cried!

  3. Lol! I opt for exercising on my own in my lounge with curtains drawn, doors shut and no mirrors and no other people in sight. It works for me…And I can skive as much as I like! #KCACOLS

  4. Ha ha ha ha! I like your thoughts about ‘I’ll skive for a bit.’ Exercising is a minefield. Mother has been ‘going for a run’ for about four months. Haven’t seen any trainers being donned yet πŸ˜‰ #KCACOLS

      1. Just read this again and still makes me smile (why is exercising so hard and eating chocolate so easy). x #chucklemums

        P.S. Mother eventually got out for her run. This now excuses all intake of wine and cake.

        1. Haha, I went to spin yesterday and was therefore allowed to buy a packet of digestives…I hear them calling me…!

  5. I’m still laughing at ‘ I hope I don’t kick a granny in the foof again’! I’ve not been to the gym in about 5 years, but did used to go to loads of classes, and you’ve given me strange flashbacks with your mentions of grapevines and box steps! x #KCACOLS

  6. Haha this is brilliant, such a funny and scarily accurate summary of any aerobics class I attend. Give me blacked out spin room any time! I nearly spat my water out at, ‘my face looks like baboon’s arse’. Great post lovey. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope to see you again next Sunday xx

  7. Haha such a funny post! This is exactly why I shy away from exercise classes, the worst is when they have the mirrors so you have to clock yourself getting redder and redder!! #KCACOLS

  8. HAHAHAH – this is epic (I totally hate excercise and you would never see me at aerobics… EVER) I can imagine that should I ever attend such a class that I would be conducting a similar monologue in my head with quite a few more expletives. The kicking someone in the fanny – is that something that happens a lot when you do aerobics?! #KCACOLS

  9. I am impressed you got to a class! They frighten me.. I went to Zumba once and got laughed at by a 72 year old for having no coordination or grace which put me off.. now I stick to you tube videos in the lounge.. just made people uncomfortable by laughing aloud on a train…fab #KCACOLS

  10. Haha this is totally me during every exercise class. I haven’t kicked anyone but someone did stand on my shoe once as I was lifting my foot and my trainer flew across the other side of the room during zumba. There may of been a hole in my sock too #kcacols

  11. I think you’re spot on. There must be a secret Gym where instructors go to get super fit before coming to “train” us not so fit people! I don’t know how some people do it. #triballove #bloggerclubUK

  12. I could have described that class for you before you went love. I love a good body conditioning class (although to be fair i’m more of a pilates sort of girl now). Your inner monologue made laugh so much i was crying! I particularly love the part where you describe squatting with dumbells as some sort of filth. Brilliant! #triballove

    1. Thanks lovely – sorry for the late reply, your comment had been eaten by the spam folder! You were sandwiched between cheeky spam saying I should write more and why not steal some articles off google!!

  13. Hahaha – fantastic and this is so me! I tend to stick with zumba now. If all else fails you can just just shake stuff. Wobbling is mandatory and there aren’t so many star jumps (star jumps and my pelvic floor are not friends).
    Love the idea of laying down for a good skive. I would try this, but by the laying down part I’m generally gasping for breath and struggling to maintain consciousness. πŸ˜‰

    Thanks for hosting! I’m thrilled to join you! #chucklemums.

  14. Ha this is so funny and something I can totally relate to too!!! You’ve basically provided a blow by blow account of what I look like when I attempt to tackle Davina McCalls fitness DVD!!! #chucklemums

    1. Haha, oh my God, I have the Davina DVD too and made the mistake of dusting it off on Saturday and then was crippled and walking like I had issues for the rest of the weekend… still, I’d much rather sweat in my own home that brave a class. I am too much of a wimp for that. #chucklemums

  15. hahaha! love this!! how funny! I hate exercise too… and you in a class sounds exactly like me in a class… hence the reason I don’t go lol – so funny! #chucklemums

  16. Hahaha! Very funny!!! So you’re the one person going left when the rest of the class go right, good for you!!! Pain about the bird crappie…Did you get that lottery ticket?!!

  17. God, aerobics! I made the mistake of going to an exercise class with my husband which involved a certain level of coordination – I physically couldn’t cope! My inner monologue escaped into full out loud murmering “is that your left, or my left…or left in the mirror?! ARRRGGG!”
    Safe to say my husband has never let me live it down.
    #chucklemums

  18. Hahahaha!!!!! Brilliant. This is so me too! πŸ™‚
    I went to kettle bells a few times and once there was a bloke there who was in front of me and he farted as he squatted…pahahahahaha!!! He didn’t stand near me the next week!
    #chucklemums

  19. Hahaha! This made me laugh a lot! So nice to know I’m not the only one who isn’t obsessed with spinning and lives in work out gear (I don’t even own a sports bra…and part of my ‘push present’ was a pair of trainers, thanks darling husband…) Brilliant! #ChuckleMums

  20. Big laugh out loud to only kicking one person and not in the fanny this time!!! I totally feel your pain and love the 3 legged giraffe analogy. I had to give up yoga because the of ‘going upside’ positions which inevitably left me……humiliated!!! Very funny #chucklemums

  21. All of that, what you’ve just described, that’s why I stay indoors and do dvds/youtube videos. No one need know the true extent of my uncoordinatedness and I can try to maintain my pretty low level of cool in front of members of the public. Top tip! πŸ˜‰
    x Alice
    #chucklemums

  22. “What’s that on my shirt? It’s shit.” – haha made me proper laugh. I remember going a circuit class once and realised I was totally out of my comfort zone when I was the only woman. Excused myself to go to the loo and never came back.

  23. Oh my! This is so funny! At the last pilates/yoga class I went to the instructor felt the need to sing along to random lines of whatever song was blasting out. I think she felt all madonna-esque with her microphone strapped to her head. She clearly took it all very seriously but I was in fits of giggles! Not very zen.. #chucklemums

    1. Haha! Our spin woman does that occasionally. Puts us all to shame – she’s 61 and barely breaks a sweat!

  24. Hahaha love it…..’must buy a lottery ticket’ the good luck of a bird shit ting on you I’ve just started exercising with a home dvd (just means lying on the floor watching) not ready to brave an actual real life gym yet. Fab post x

  25. Haha – hilarious! I used to gym all the time before kids, now nothing. I’ve always been crap at aerobics though. More of a working out on my own for everyone’s safety person! #chucklemums

  26. This is why I never go to exercise class’s. Totally felt like this the last time someone convinced me to go to a Zumba class. I now prefer to do workout videos from home I’d say about once every 5 months if I’m bing honest. Thanks for sharing this!#TribalLove

  27. Not sure how I’ve only just seen this, but it’s great! Made me LOL at work, though, so if you could just be slightly less funny next time, please.
    #triballove

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.