*warning might contain swearing*
No, not that sort of unfit. I’m not the best but I’m not that bad. I mean the huffing and puffing red face sort of unfit. The getting a bit podgy and too fond of my sofa arse-groove unfit.
I did a gym class today. Here’s my inner monologue.
“Ok here we are, made it to the class not bad going, not bad.
Right what’s this one about then. Oh, mats, OK there are mats being dealt out. Oh, and weights, OK this might be fun. Everyone is putting them to one side. OK, these are mine. I’ll put my water bottle on mine, OK OK.
Oh I like this song. Man that instructor is skinny. I wish I had a bottom like two eggs in a sock.
Shit, shit SHIT this is aerobics! They didn’t say aerobics, it said “Total Body Conditioning” on the website. Bugger, I hope I don’t kick a granny in the foof again.
Right, grape. Grape. GRAPEVINE. Yes I can do this. Kick yes that’s OK. I’m doing it! Yes! Wait shit what’s that one? Bugger why does everyone else know what they are doing.
God I’m getting a bit hot now. What’s that on my top? Shit! That’s shit! A bollocking bird has crapped on me and I’m doing fricking aerobics! How did I not notice before? Bloody birds!!! Better buy a lottery ticket.
I’d like to win the lottery I’d just get lipo…oh crap, was that her foot??
Oh god I hate this. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do aerobics , I am less coordinated than a three legged giraffe on LSD. What is a shuffle? What is a box step? Why am I completely out of sync with everyone? Why do I do this to myself…
Mat time, thank god, surely we sit down now.
Oh no, squats first. Great. With weights. What on earth is she doing with the weights? I’m not doing that it looks filthy! Dirty cow I bet she’s doing that on purpose and laughing at all us porkers looking like we’re over-excited to see the dumbells.
Yes! Laying down time. Is she watching? No good. I’ll skive for a bit. What shall we have for dinner. No, haven’t got that. Nope. Right baked potatoes it is then.
Everyone is getting up. I hope we aren’t doing any more…oh crap. Now it’s YOGA. Great. I’m about as flexible as Big Ben. Nope, not going to bend to there. Or there…oh my god, why are there so many mirrors in here? My face looks like a baboons arse. Why am I doing this. I’ll only end up buying one of those Giant American Calorie-Laden Cookies on the way out. I bet they only sell them here to make people keep coming back. Sadists.
Hurrah! It’s over and I only kicked one person and not in the fanny this time. Improvement. Getting fit is easy!”