You know what? I’ve decided that our lives would be a damn site easier if we just let go occasionally. So, here’s the top seven things parents should just stop bothering with.
Tidying Up After Our Children
The little buggers are only going to mess things up again, throw their toys all over the place, drop crumbs everywhere they walk, spill drinks. Why not maintain a nice level of mess? Perhaps make your own room a shrine to shine and minimalism, and let the rest of them live in their own muck. They may get sick of it eventually, and think of all the time you’ll have to bugger around on the internet instead of cleaning!
Cleaning Children’s Faces
I’m noticing a pattern here already. How many times a day do you wipe your child’s face? Why are you bothering? They’re only going to smear sandwich all over it in ten minutes time, or faceplant in that handy patch of mud; the only one in a three mile radius. Why not let them get filthy, and only wash it off just before bed? The urchin look is so in this season.
Buying Nice Clothes
It’s almost impossible to resist cute baby clothes. There’s something about things in miniature that just pulls at the heart strings. However, you can guarantee that within 5 minutes of dressing your baby in such a cute outfit, they will projectile vomit and/or shit on it. And those frills just won’t wash. Forget about it. Buy a pack of 10 babygro’s from the cheapest shop you know and be done with it. Mucky little toerags.
Buying Expensive Toys
Another theme – there’s no point in buying those brightly coloured noisy “educational” toys, not because your baby/child will vomit and/or shit on it (though let’s face it, they probably will) but because they will just ignore it. No child worth its salt will want to play with a toy when there is a TV remote to hand. Or the cardboard box said toy arrived in. The discarded wrapping paper of the box is EVEN BETTER. Why bother? Give them a saucepan and a spoon and they’re happy for hours.
Cooking Healthy Food
I’m not saying don’t try. I’d bloody love it if my kid ate home made hummus and carrot sticks, but the fact is he thinks that tastes like arse. He’d rather have a biscuit. All the hours you spend slaving over meals that get thrown on the floor or pushed around a plate are surely a grand waste of time when the monsters will only declare they aren’t hungry until the moment you get in a rage and chuck it in the bin when suddenly they decide they want cereal for dinner. Don’t stress it. Just make them what they like; any feeding expert will tell you as long as they are eating something they are fine. Once they are old enough to reason with you can terrify them with pictures of America’s Fattest People and get them to eat a wider variety of food. Or you could be sneaky like me, and hide the healthy stuff.
Expecting Them To Be Polite
I’m not saying don’t teach them manners – it’s easy to teach your child to say please, thank you and excuse me (“ta” was one of my boy’s first words) Just don’t expect them to remember it’s rude to wipe their noses on the curtains or fart in the library. Loudly. Kids are gross, and will do gross things, end of. There’s no point in wasting your energy being embarrassed; shaming us is in their DNA.
Caring What Other People Think
Seriously, just stop right now. If your child is fed, watered, warm and loved then you are doing just fine. It really does not matter how you are achieving those things. Got the Breastapo after you because you bottle feed? Tell them to suck it. Let your kid stay up late because it doesn’t seem to matter to them either way? Just do it. If you’ve asked an innocent question online and got trolled, tell them to go stick their opinions up their bottoms sideways. Your kids, your choices, your life. Screw the haters, your way is just fine.