I have long since come to the conclusion that the continuance of humanity rests on the trickery of people who are already parents. They have a habit of glossing over the reality of what parenting is actually like. For example, I was under the distinct impression that babies started to sleep longer at around six weeks. MY baby didn’t sleep longer than about 2.5 hours until he was TWO. My brain has never truly recovered.
So, in the interests of transparency and honesty, I thought I would take some of the glossy generalisations that come out of parents mouths and reveal the dastardly truth.
“Oh, she’s a pretty good eater generally”
She accidentally ate half a fish finger three days ago and I think she’s been subsisting on kibble and carpet detritus ever since but I can’t be sure.
“He’s been sleeping through recently – I feel so much more awake!”
He slept for three hours straight for the first time last night and I have discovered how to mainline coffee and eat cake at the same time.
“She keeps us on our toes bless her”
I appear to have given birth to a crack addicted monkey that never stays in the same place for longer than 25 seconds and is trying to kill me.
“He’s getting on really well at nursery”
He clings to my leg and shrieks like a banshee whenever I try to leave him there and the guilt is killing me, even though I know damn well he stops crying 20 seconds after I get out the door, because I have looked through the keyhole.
“Oh the nappies aren’t that bad, you get used to them!”
Yesterday there was an endless tide of noxious brown goo shooting up the back of my baby’s neck and into her HAIR OH GOD.
“We’re having great fun weaning!”
He scored a direct hit to my eyeball with a piece of cucumber yesterday and the only thing he will actually eat are baby wotsits which don’t even have the decency to taste like proper wotsits they taste like fresh air and futility.
“Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world”
It just makes your nipples bleed and crack and your boobs engorge and leak everywhere and society makes you feel disgusting for doing it in public or a demon-mother for using a bottle in public.
“Labour wasn’t actually as bad as I thought”
It was the pushing a head the size of a melon out of my lady garden that caused me to produce several swears previously unknown to the midwives and possibly mankind n general.
What glossy generalisations do you find yourself telling unsuspecting non-parents?