I have long since come to the conclusion that the continuance of humanity rests on the trickery of people who are already parents. They have a habit of glossing over the reality of what parenting is actually like. For example, I was under the distinct impression that babies started to sleep longer at around six weeks. MY baby didn’t sleep longer than about 2.5 hours until he was TWO. My brain has never truly recovered.
So, in the interests of transparency and honesty, I thought I would take some of the glossy generalisations that come out of parents mouths and reveal the dastardly truth.
“Oh, she’s a pretty good eater generally”
She accidentally ate half a fish finger three days ago and I think she’s been subsisting on kibble and carpet detritus ever since but I can’t be sure.
“He’s been sleeping through recently – I feel so much more awake!”
He slept for three hours straight for the first time last night and I have discovered how to mainline coffee and eat cake at the same time.
“She keeps us on our toes bless her”
I appear to have given birth to a crack addicted monkey that never stays in the same place for longer than 25 seconds and is trying to kill me.
“He’s getting on really well at nursery”
He clings to my leg and shrieks like a banshee whenever I try to leave him there and the guilt is killing me, even though I know damn well he stops crying 20 seconds after I get out the door, because I have looked through the keyhole.
“Oh the nappies aren’t that bad, you get used to them!”
Yesterday there was an endless tide of noxious brown goo shooting up the back of my baby’s neck and into her HAIR OH GOD.
“We’re having great fun weaning!”
He scored a direct hit to my eyeball with a piece of cucumber yesterday and the only thing he will actually eat are baby wotsits which don’t even have the decency to taste like proper wotsits they taste like fresh air and futility.
“Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world”
It just makes your nipples bleed and crack and your boobs engorge and leak everywhere and society makes you feel disgusting for doing it in public or a demon-mother for using a bottle in public.
“Labour wasn’t actually as bad as I thought”
It was the pushing a head the size of a melon out of my lady garden that caused me to produce several swears previously unknown to the midwives and possibly mankind n general.
What glossy generalisations do you find yourself telling unsuspecting non-parents?
hahaha! This has cheered my morning! I still talk this way and my kids are adults now. Can you imagine if we said everything completely straight!! x
Hilarious! Ah the things we do as parents!
#abloggingoodtime
I am DYING!!!! This was so funny. Crack addict monkey! This is great! I needed a good chuckle!!! #ablogginggoodtime
I saw the title of this post, and could NOT wait to read it. I’m thinking we need a sequel from the perspective of the mum to teens or adult kids.
This was brilliant!!! 🙂 Made me laugh out loud all the way through!!! 🙂
HaHa I love this. I used to say ALL of these. Now I’m so tired I’m honest most of the time. #ABloggingGoodTime
I say “she keeps us on our toes” all the time about my daughter, but what I really mean is that she can be…well, challenging. #ablogginggoodtime
So funny and true 🙂 Shared so more people can have a laugh 🙂
Very entertaining! Why do parents say these things? lol ##ablogginggoodtime
“I use really simple punishment techniques which really work”
Please, don’t make me countdown! We both know that this is a charade and that when I get to 1 I’ll go to 1/2, then 1/4, and keep going down in fractions until you cave in. And if I put you on the naughty step we both know I’m going to spend fifteen minutes putting you back on it as you keep wandering off whilst screaming at the top of your lungs before I give up and throw a lolly in your mouth just to shut you up.
“Mine get on really well together, they’re always playing together nicely”
My eldest literally kicked her younger sister because she had used the wrong bobble. My youngest boy tried stuffing different sized lego bricks up his brothers nose, before his sister came over and farted on his head. I hid on the stairs as all this went on. Survival of the fittest.
“We try and limit their screen time”
No more than five hours a night, or eleven on a weekend. But we’re not animals. That total is counted whether they’re looking at their tablet, their phone, the computer or the tv. Disney and Nickelodeon might be turning them into entitled brats, but while they’re on they are turning them into quiet entitled brats.
“Oh, she’s so artsy!”
Last week I discovered she had drawn some cave paintings on her bedroom wall. In lipstick. I have to secretly throw away at least seven pages with a single scribble on each every single day, otherwise she’ll ask me to put them on the wall. I’ve deliberately thrown away every sharpener in the house; blunt pencils will limit the proliferation of crap she produces.
“Mine all help out with chores around the house”
After I shout at them. A lot. And then shout some more. And then supervise them, explaining how to do everything they’ve done a million times before in words of one syllable. Then give up and redo it all myself as they’ve somehow made it all worse than before they started.
Thank you! You turned my frown upside down! I love this post! It’s our 4th major snow storm in as many weeks. The littles are off from school, I am home working, and you are genius! #ablogginggoodtime